How to stay out of therapy during the Holidays, part 2

Well, depending on how this morning went, this entry could have gone two distinct ways.  I had procedures done at the dentist and was supposed to have taken "sleepy pills" for the appointment.  My ride home fell through and so I was forced to endure the appointment cold turkey.  Well, not exactly... I still had my Nitrous Oxide gas cranked all the way up.  That's cold turkey to me....anything less and I'd start a meth habit just to get rid of my teeth alltogether.  Even with the laughing gas, my buns still levitate about 6 inches above the chair from clinching it so hard.  (I wonder if that burns calories?)

Okay, so, no hard drugs which means I am writing with a clear mind.  A bit fired up from having someone hit every major nerve that my teeth connect to, but clear nonetheless.

And, ready to kick off the holiday season...there is something about ordering the annual Christmas Card that seems to get me over the hump.  It is the biggest "over thought" project I create for myself each and every year.  It doesn't help that after the first year of trying a "folded, customized" photo card, that my husband concluded we could never go back to the simple glossy, 1-sided card.  So every year, it takes me about 3 weeks to collect all of the photos that are actually "sharable," will color-coordinate with the card, fit in the crop "zones" and not set us back an entire mortgage payment.  It only took 2 glasses of wine last night and voila'....hitting "confirm order" never felt so good.

(I am, however, willing to bet a mortgage payment that when one of my sons gets a bit older, he will consider taking me to court for not gaining permission to duplicate and distribute his image on one particular photo.)

Tee hee hee....

So where did we leave off from earlier in the week?  Oh, and thank you to all of you who shared the post on your wall and with friends... even my Hubby commented that he got caught chuckling at the office while reading the last one... I must have been nipping off the egg nog.  Which, by the way, I am either going to have to stop carb and fat loading when it rains or move to a different climate because HELLO... I can polish off a tube of Ritz Crackers faster than you can read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom  to your kiddo.  Yeesh.

If you didn't read my last post, click HERE (shameless plug, I know.)
So let's dig right back in....

RULE#4
What to do about the Ugly Sweater Party

I don't know who invented this occasion...but now that we are of post-college age, I would equate the party to as much pain as having to dance to the song "Stairway to Heaven"with the WRONG guy.  Argggh...agony!

Chances are, if you are hip, you'll probably get invited to an ugly sweater party.  I'm not hip, apparently, because I haven't had to go to one but I still have an opinion about them...and can help you avoid the therapist.  Just RSVP "no" and go out to dinner.  If you have to go, then just buy a red or green sweater and look more like "Frasier" or "Niles" as opposed to your Great Grandma Sue.  Oh...don't you snort at me and call me the grinch... because when that evening is done and the moth-infested sweater is in the dumpster, the pictures from that evening will live on forever; just like your middle-school perm or mullet.  And let's just all admit that we'd rather vomit on someone prominent than be forced to look at those photos again.  So while the party looks all "fun and games," it will make its way to the internet... which means your ability to interview, adopt a child, run for office or supervise anyone could potentially go down the drain.... all because of the bad rudolph sweater w/ the red pom-pom for his nose.  Not good.

RULE#5
Cookie exchanges are heavenly, ingenious and productive... so lets keep them that way, shall we?  I know, the thought of baking 236 dozen cookies is daunting, but when you come home with so many different varieties to sample and enjoy, not only does your family appreciate it, but you come off looking like a "genius!!!!"  (And, if you circle back to my post from yesterday, you also have a great gift idea for all of those providers who you feel compelled (aka pressured) to give something to.

So what is the rule?  STAY IN YOUR LANE... KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE GOAL.... DON'T USE US POOR SOULS AS YOUR FOCUS GROUP!

What do I mean?

A cookie exchange is not where you test things out... experiment..or stretch beyond your capacity.  It is like trying to serve mashed cauliflower at Thanksgiving Dinner; like I mentioned before... don't mess with a traditional meal to try something new.  ( Instead try it on a Tuesday where you can just as easily order pizza if your family plans mutiny over your vegetarian "looks like meatloaf but it's NOT' dinner.)  The same with Holiday cookies.  I don't care if the cookie looks phenomenal in your copy of Bon Apetit... if that wasn't you in their test kitchen... get out!  Personally, baking 236 dozen cookies (okay, I''m being dramatic) let's see...baking 8 dozen cookies while taming 3 boys is a daunting enough; I am hopeful that my investment  in the exchange process will reap a bounty of delicious cookies that will keep my boys, husband and guests delighted for weeks to come.

What I do not suggest, for the love of those around you...is to try and give us:

• Anything you haven't already tried yourself
• Anything you haven't already MADE yourself
• Anything the dog will not even nibble on if you were to drop one on the floor
• Anything that "looks awful but trust me, tastes really, really good"
• Anything that contains the word "carob, nougat or flaxseed."  That, my friends, is for January 1st.

While I am being totally offensive and polarizing, let me just add that I would hope while you avoid all of these things that you don't upstage the rest of us poor souls either.  Martha Stewart need not mistaken your cookie for hers.  I don't need to come home and show my husband your delectable dough "artistry" which will only make him long for full-fat versions of home cooking, a wife with larger breasts and other impossible situations.  Enough Said.

RULE#6... My last...

Rules of Engagement for finding your Christmas Tree

Ahhh, the smell of fresh fir... nothing smells of Christmas more than the aromatic essence of a freshly cut Christmas tree.  Errrrrrhhhh.... stop the Vinyl..... lets get real.

Fact: I am a proud supporter of live Christmas Trees.  I am sure somewhere out in internet land, someone just read this and is going to send me something from a ".org" about preserving the earth.  But where I come from, I could cut about 36 Christmas trees in the back of my yard so I'm not particularly concerned.  Besides, those re-planting initiatives operate like a machine up here in Washington.  

So, if you paid $299-2999 for a fake tree some time ago, that's cool...I'm not even talking to you right now.  It is for all of us who still insist on getting a live tree.  Doesn't it sound so romantic???  So fun??? So many pictures for the scrapbook?  It will be the memories your children remember so fondly as they start their own families and begin joining you and your spouse for years to come.

Let me break down the Turnley family experience... not always, but most years since we've had kiddos:

1.  Drive 30-80 minutes to find the perfect tree farm... needs to be Quaint, with a big gift shop, Hot Cocoa and maybe even a train ride to be legit.

2.  Spend 45-90 minutes traipsing around 20+ acres of farm looking for just the perfect tree for your home.  In that time frame, you will have lost your child 3-5 times, lost your spouse 2-4 times, be that family that is calling out for each other, ruining the quiet merriment of other delusional families.  Be reunited as a family only to lose track of where your perfect tree was.  When you finally find it, you see some "perfect" family sawing it down.  When you have found the "B plan" tree, which you secretly pity because it isn't as great as the "perfect" tree that was "stolen" by the other thieving family you then begin to saw down your tree.  Oh yeah, that is where the memories kick into full gear.  Ten minutes later you are barely speaking to your spouse, you have pitch in your hair, needles down your undergarments AND you've lost your kids....again...

3.  You then drag your tree 562 yards to the baler... in silence.  You are covered in dirt and mud.... you are frozen.  Your kid have lost their minds, they are hungry and need to pee.  

4.  You fork over $3 for a cookie, $3 for a luke warm styrofoam cup of watered down hot cocoa and then comes the fun part... paying for the tree.

5.  $100 later you are now working, in silence mind you, with your spouse to attach the tree to the top of the car.  Fifteen minutes later, the tree is sideways on top of the roof, bobbling in the air drafts while your child is looking like a war refugee from the melted candy cane and hot cocoa all over their face. You realize 10 miles down the road that you've lost both your own and your children's mittens but don't turn back because you just want to get home and get away from everybody for a few minutes.  To top it off, the reality is you'll be sawing that tree trunk again because you picked out a 11-foot tree for your 8-foot ceilings.  The open sky is a bugger for size proportion!

Memories!!!!!

My solution?  Go to the tree farm with a boatload of snacks.  Withhold ALL caloric intake from your children until you have purchased your ornament, posed for pictures or sat on Santa's lap.  Buy your $3 bake sale brownie and load everyone back in the car.  So far, you've probably spent under $12 and everyone can still feel their toes.  Drive to your local Home Depot or major grocery retailer; while you are on the road, listen to jolly Christmas music and sing in the car... because everyone is still happy.  

Everyone pile out to the tree lot at your local retailer and walk the 3 aisles of trees.  Oh sure, you'll hold a few up and lose your kids but a store associate will just call their name on the intercom system.  Need to pee?  No problem, warm restrooms are located at the back of the store!  Go ahead and argue over a few trees... if you want to prolong the process but in past years, we can get in and out (without getting our tree stolen) in about 15 minutes top.  Swing through McDonalds or heck, treat your family to Panera... chances are you only plucked down $50 for that Home Depot tree!

Everyone's happy... no melt-downs... you can feel all your body parts.... and you can still take great Christmas photos... if you crop out the big orange letters in the background.

-----

Well, that is a wrap folks... I hope you find these entries nothing more than amusing.  While I KNOW I have typed some things that go through my readers heads... please don't mistaken my rants for a Bah- Humbug attitude.  I LOVE this time of year... despite the nasty people who have forgotten the manners in the parking lots around town, and the Atheists who are busying suing everyone to get everything from green trees to Charlie Brown taken out of the holiday mix... I believe its the most "wonderful time of the year."  Without Jesus... we'd just be sitting around wondering why there are oranges in our socks on December 25th.

When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. -Matthew 2:10

God Bless!

How to stay out of therapy during the Holidays

WARNING: THIS POST IS FULL OF HUMOR, SARCASM AND WIT... DO NOT ATTEMPT TO READ IF YOU ARE IN A BAD MOOD, CONDESCENDING MOOD, OR JUDGMENTAL MOOD... YOU WILL FIND THIS IRRITATING AND SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE HATING ME.

Okay, you've been duly warned....

In my last post I wrote about the holiday season and how nutty it can get...if we let it.  Oh, sure, you can put all the stop gaps into place to make sure you don't get off the rails:

"I am only going to get one gift per person"
"We are not sending out Holiday cards this year"
"I'm going to get all my shopping done by October 15th."

Uh yeah, how did all of that go over?  Good luck on the "one gift" idea... people stop inviting you to things when you don't send out cards and for those of you that tried to get it done by October 15th, how's that working for you?  Too bad half the people you shopped for either went out and bought it themselves since then or changed their minds about what they wanted...

(told you this was going to be obnoxious!)

Because in reality, friends, the holidays are just not that simple.  You can try to swim upstream all you want...and there are some of you reading this who are ready to sign me up for magazines like "Real Simple" or even better, "Oprah" who will probably encourage me to meditate on simplicity.  If I would just read those, everything would be "chill," right?

Yeah, okay, Big O, let me get into my zen room and light some candles... then about 32 seconds later I'll hear a chant that sounds like "ooohhhmmmmm" which is just short for "MMMMOOOOOHHHHHHMMMMM," and then 3 kids will be knocking on my zen room (aka toilet stall in my Bathroom.)  When I finally swing the door open and they see the candles, they'll fight over who is going to blow them out.  When they blow the candles out that will probably send hot wax splattering onto the commode, the walls behind and if I'm lucky, just one of my body parts.  Chances are, one of my kids will have blown more than one candle out, thereby leaving one my children throwing down the "unsportsmanlike conduct" penalty flag and I'll have to re-light the candle so that "little orphan annie" who missed out on the candle experience the first time around, can have their own shot at it.  Which will, of course, result in more flying candle wax and now enough smoke to possible set off the smoke detector in my bedroom.

Zen..... right......

So I propose that we just stick to some basic rules to navigate the next few weeks.  ((And, of COURSE, keep our eyes on the prize, our Savior, Jesus...who is probably rolling around on Heaven's floor, holding his perfectly chiseled set of abs (because there is no fat in Heaven) and cracking up at how obnoxious we've become at celebrating his birthday season!))  Here are my top 3 for today and I'll give you a few more on Thursday....

Rule #1:
Don't skimp or go Rogue on the white elephant exchange gift.  Candles, folks, candles...and don't go cheap on those... they leave rings in the jars and smoke up your walls.  March on down to BB&B with your $5 coupon and get a small Yankee Candle.  Done.  Enough said.  Even better, don't even have a white elephant exchange at your Christmas party.  It's like forcing all of your close friends to attend your garage sale.  Really?  We have to choose between our friendship and that God-awful homemade ceramic mug you picked up at the Seniors Craft Bazaar?  And since I'll choose your friendship, please don't make me take that crap home...I'll conveniently hide it behind the extra roll of toilet paper in your powder room cupboard.  Promise.

Rule #2:
Get the same stinkin' gift for every "don't have to but feel like I"m supposed to" recipient.  You know that list... it starts small; perhaps its just your children's teachers but after you've listened to your bus-stop moms crone on and you sucked yourself into Pinterest (aka Anakin's dark side...The Force...that site freaks me out!) then you realize you have to get gifts for:

• Postman
• Cleaners, Lawn Service, Handyman and any other regular Joes you support in your home
• Garbageman
• Recycling Dude
• Lets not forget our Yard Waste/Compost collector!
• Milkman
• Secretaries at the School
• Bus Driver (make sure your morning and afternoon drivers aren't 2 different people!)
• Music Lesson Provider person

Don't THINK I didn't make this list up... up in the burbs... this list is REAL!  Now some of you OCD, Martha-esque crafty types I hate because secretly I wish I was like you... you have all these great things wrapped up in "rustic" cardboard boxes with recycled twine and topped off with a homemade bow & craft-punched tag.  Dude, I'd deliver your friggin' milk if I could get myself one of those, but in reality, the 98% rest of us are STRESSED OUT by your elaborate packaging for all these people and it makes us look like idiots who sit around eating BonBons and watching the USA network all day.  So lets all agree to just head out to our local drug store, load up on 14 boxes of Almond Roca and stick them on top of whatever receptacle our service-person takes care of.  Come Wednesday, December 19th you're going to see 3 boxes on top of my garbage/recycling/yardwaste cans, one on top of my Mailbox, my Piano, and so on.  In reality, they can re-gift those frozen Almond Roca's at THEIR White Elephant Christmas party but I can wipe my hands clean and say "check!"

Rule#3:

Go buy 6 bottles of the same kind of Wine, or some "Foofie, Drivable" beverage in case your peeps don't drink.  (Better yet, for those of you in that category, just buy 6 more boxes of Almond Roca!)  And no, this post is not sponsored by Almond Roca but seriously, who doesn't LOVE those nuggets of goodness??? I've had 3 already and it's not even 11am!

Chances are, you'l get invited to a few events in the coming weeks.  You won't want to show up empty handed but who has time to run around and get creative when you've already logged 22 hours trying to get a babysitter who isn't already working that night, playing a sport that night, going to a church event  or learning her 3 instruments or 4 languages so she can get into college?

Once you've nailed down a sitter you have to find an outfit, plan for your kids dinner and then creatively schedule the day so you have time to shave BOTH legs prior to your event.  So, just stock up on wine prior to Thanksgiving and keep a stash out in the garage.  On your way out to the event just grab a bottle and voila, thrust it at them when you arrive and you're a hero!

And for the Love of Jesus, please don't go Rogue here, either.  Stick with the common grapes... this is not the time to try some crazy grape from some crazy region.  Stick with good 'ol CA and WA varieties.  Doing any different would be like trying to sneak in mashed cauliflower instead of mashed potatoes during your Thanksgiving meal.  Just say No.  Being on the receiving side of this argument, I can assure you.. those random bottles of wine that you think give you street cred as a wine connosuier... do NOT.  The bottles end up sitting in storage because I don't know what they are, if they are good or not, and I can't risk opening the bottle when I have company over.  Chances are, it will flavor my stew in February.  So... once again... I repeat... stick with CA and WA... if you can't pronounce the grape, don't buy it!

There you have it folks... stay tuned on Thursday for advice on Cookie Exchanges, visiting Santa and other Christmas-time outing advice!

Stay Sane... keep them eyes on Jesus.  :)  (And the road if you are reading this in your car.)

Who's in my face?

Just a quick little blurb for today... if I were to catch you up to speed on the Family events... my "not so much napping toddler" would probably have an accident in his pants for the 3rd time today... my older two sons would carry on about how I'm always late to the bus stop and my middle son, would, for sure, drag up the old sob story about how he would like a "new" family and could we please drive him to the orphanage.

Oh no, I can't even MAKE this stuff up... keepin' it real, folks!

So while I am busy being mom of the year, OBVIOUSLY, let me just give you a few thoughts to chew on... and I'll be back in full force tomorrow with a continuance...and of course some laugh/spit-up-able recollections from the past few weeks.

So Who's in your face these days?

Because whatever is in your face, you will focus on...and whatever you focus on, you will make bigger in your life, gravitate towards, and turn it into a reality.  Whether it's good, or bad... it's true.

It is probably harder now, than ever before, to control who is in your face.  You can turn on the TV and have over 233 stations of people "in your face."  You can turn on the radio, surf the internet for a MILLION people who can get in your face.

And when they are in your face, they are taken in by your eyes, your brain and your heart.

I think this holiday season it's pretty important to control who's in our line of vision.
Because it's pretty easy to start looking around and realize instead of joy, you've got:
-stress
-anxiety
-depression
-overwhelmed

Staring you down, in your grill, grabbing your attention.

Want to know the easiest solution for clearing that clutter out?

Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus.

Yep...really, it's that easy.

You see, when you fix your eyes on the one who has redeemed you, who calls you his Beloved, who is head over heels, absolutely, never-failing, unconditionally in love with you... things start to shift into their place and life gets some perspective.  Remember, you'll gravitate towards what you focus on, right?  So lets keep our eyes steadily focused on Jesus and let the rest fade away.  Our problems get smaller, HE gets bigger and we begin moving towards peace and joy, not all the other "have to do's" that are SOOOOOOO easy to get us bogged down during the season.

And if that wasn't a good enough reason, then how about...

It's His Birthday we're celebrating this season anyway... let him be the birthday boy and get the attention for awhile.   :)

Until tomorrow....  and PS- I was interrupted in the middle of this entry by my youngest.... because he wet his pants....again....

Sharing what you have this holiday season

I know you haven't heard from me in over a week.  Sorry.   I've been milling around a lot of junk up in the head.  Now junk can be good...one man's garbage is another man's treasure...right?  :)  I also took a couple of days off to prepare a talk about networking for a FABULOUS group of women (check us out on FB Influential Women to get connected) But seriously, I needed to "sift through the rocks and see what was gold."  So what you have below is more of a "dim sum" meal more than anything... a menu to read through and pick what speaks to you most today.  I pray that this post will contain one small nugget that will satisfy your heart and soul!

I don't know about you.... but it seems like the end of Fall seems to run right into the Holiday season like a charging bull.  Halloween is one of those holidays that just seems to be "way off in the distance" and then wha-bam...its upon you like a frenzy of awakened cave bats!  You finally toss out the pumpkin the day before you buy a turkey... you give thanks and then set your alarm to beat out every other joe for a Black Friday deal.  (Irony anyone?) But it's not just the holidays that start to come at you fast and furious, because let's face it, the holiday season is no surprise to us.... it is all of those little "extras" that seem to increase every year:

• End of the sport season's coach gifts, trophies, awards and party celebrations...cha-ching.
• Everybody is hosting a food drive.. football teams, girl-scouts, grocery stores, pre-school... every event needs a couple of cans of food... cha-ching.
• Holiday "giving trees" start to pop up everywhere.... and I mean everywhere!  Adopt a family, grab a gift card, fulfill a wish.... cha-ching.
• Hostess gifts, teacher gifts, mailman gifts, front-office gifts, even milk-man gifts??... cha-ching.
• Oh, and did I mention St. Nicholas still needs to visit your own house?

No wonder some of us have such a "keep it" mentality with our finances and possessions... it's like our purses are continually subject to swiping by so many different causes and occasions!  I know one family who just shelled out nearly $200 at the end of the football season by time they were done with tournament fees, trophies, DVD's, coach gifts and an end-of-the-year celebration.  Shut the front door, folks... we are headed for a tail spin!  

Now, if I can just call everyone out... I know what you might be thinking... choose one or as many apply to your head right now....

1. Uh.... nobody said you have to partake in all of those things...that is CRAZY!
2. Crickey you cheapskate... all of these things are important and for good causes..cough up some dough!
3. Ummmm...aren't you the one always spouting "We are blessed to be a blessing???"  
4. I totally agree with you... I can't catch a breath from all the money I'm doling out!

What to do...what to do...what to do.....

READ.

READ ACTS 2:44-2:47.  (Pssst...that is in your bible... or even quicker...click here)

And since half of you didn't... here it is for you anyway...

"And all the people met together in one place and shared everything they had.  They sold their property (extra stuff they don't use) and possessions and shared the money with those in need.  They worshipped together in the Temple each day (practical adaptation is to be giving thanks for all you DO have), met in homes for the Lord's supper (have some friends over!) and shared their meals with great joy and sincere hearts... ALL the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people......"  (emphasis and additional commentary mine.)

Okay... I want to just highlight 2 parts that really hit me over the head this morning...and I've read this passage many times before; quite honestly I didn't let much of it sink in because I thought to myself, "Oh Erin... let's skim over this because I don't want to expose a part of my heart and open up the door for God to say, 'ERIN, SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND LIVE IN A BOX, DRESSED IN BURLAP SO THAT EVERYONE ELSE CAN ENJOY A HOME, AND CLOTHES, AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET.'"

I mean, burlap just makes me look so pale.  :)

Seriously, I just had always been scared that what God was trying to say is that I should give away everything because there are others in need.  What took me awhile to re-learn is that God wants to bless us (because lets face it, living in a box will not demonstrate that we have Christ in us)..but he also calls us to take care of those who cannot take care of themselves.  And here is where it gets tricky.... we are not in that judge's seat to decide who got themselves into that space because of bad choices or laziness...or who is truly in need.

Okay.. so my second realization of that passage is this...when God writes "share everything they had," he's not just talking about material possessions... cars, boats, coats, cashola, toys, computers... you know, all the stuff that you can't fit in your coffin or take up to heaven... (ahhh, convicting, eh?)  What God is ALSO including here is the God-given talents and abilities he's equipped you with.  Hold on, I'm going to write that again because if you don't get this, you're going to stress yourself out this Holiday season....

Sharing what you have includes your God-given talents and abilities he created inside of you.

Great news!  This means that not only do you have really cool things that just come naturally to you, but you are serving people and meeting needs when you donate your talents!  For some of us, it is hosting people.  Others can create an amazing photo-book or poster for our sports teams to avoid costly trophies and medals that you just end up dusting!  Some make a scrumptious pot of soup for a family who has lost their job or is recovering from surgery.  Others can "organize" or "create" a helping opportunity and are good at networking or recruiting a group to get the job done.  Maybe you are super good at couponing... so you can donate $100 worth of food to a food drive for $20!  

So here's our takeaway from today's dim-sum collection of food (hopefully wisdom):

1. We all have something we can give.  Some of us can write big checks and we should... especially when we realize that God has gifted some of us with finances so that we can equip others with our money.  Let's face it...sometimes it truly takes plain old cash to ship stuff around the world, fill a delivery truck with gas, pay the heat at a shelter, etc.
2. But it doesn't stop with big checks... little checks work well too.  $5 makes a huge difference because the collective power of 100 of us doing that suddenly creates $500 for an organization.  We have to stop thinking that "my $5" doesn't matter.... the bible says that the woman who gave her 2 mites was just as important... because she gave what she could.  Your $5 could be the last $5 they need to purchase an additional ______.
3. Everyone has something in their home they don't need.  Is it an extra blanket?  That coat that was "so expensive" you just can't bear to part with it but lets face it, you haven't worn it in 6 years?  (As my mom would say, "honey, it's not coming back in style.")  Donate it.  Craig's List something for goodness sake, and donate the money or use the $$ to buy all those 1/2 off Old Navy coats on sale and then donate those!
4. Use your talents and give this year... organize a coat or blanket drive in your neighborhood... I find a personal "ask" goes a long way and yields higher results.  Or offer to collect everyone's $5 at the bus stop or the lunchroom at your office and go fulfill a couple of items on the giving tree for your group.  Go sign up to sort items at a food bank.  Donate some hand-made Christmas tags or cards to an organization so they can distribute them to their program participants.
5. Stop the cash-cow madness and donate in someone's name this year.  When we realized as a family that we were just "buying to buy" for our relatives, we started donating to World Vision in family member's names.  While I am sure teachers and coaches love some of their Christma gift "treasures", I know we have received many thanks for donating to a local cause in their name as well.

In the end... we all have a place in our heart that bleeds for the less fortunate.  I am not in the position to judge how they got there, but I am in the position to give.  The coolest part about it...is that I cannot out-give my God.  When I give out of a sincere heart (and not out of guilt or coercion) then I find that I am truly blessed with warm fuzzies just as much, if not more, than the person who receives it!  It is as if the deepest part of my soul gets filled with that warmth that we can only find when we stop fulfilling our own desires and take our time and resources to fulfill someone else's.

So hey.... what's one great idea you have to take care of the less fortunate?  Please share it by posting a comment!- I know it takes just a minute to register to be able to post but once you do, take a second to "subscribe" so you can get new blog posts right in your inbox... that way you'll never miss one!  Fellow readers want to hear your brilliant ideas!

Why you should never miss an opportunity to High-5 a cow

Yes, I realize I already have typed something that's not even a real word...but you aren't reading for literary enjoyment so allow me to throw some slang into my thoughts.... because of course that is how my brain thinks most of the time.

Ahhhh... Halloween... we all survived again, didn't we?  I was blown away to hear that Halloween is America's second highest retail generating holiday after Christmas.  I don't really know what I would have guessed in its place... I know we parents aren't exactly running around at Thanksgiving time, scrambling for outdoor Pilgrim decorations but I suppose I was just surprised that its grown into such a revenue monster.  (Because personally, what I just LOVE about the holiday is the irony of spending $30 on candy that I give out in 2-3 bit parcels to kids and then it just comes back to me in the form of assortment when my kids dump out their containers.  Then, we feel a certain sense of responsibility to not let our kids eat all of that so we toss it, take it to the dentist, eat it between now and Christmas and then wonder why we gained Holiday weight, etc.

Soooooo logical... and fiscally responsible...uh, NOT!

Let us not forget about the countless hours of searching for a Halloween costume because let's face it, kids change their mind on what they want to be at least 4 times before the big night. They get to wear it for 45 minutes at school and another 2 hours on Halloween.  You end up with a pile of synthetic material and plastic accessories that you hope will add hours of dress-up entertainment for your children but quickly realize you are delusional in thinking you will get that much use out of the costume.  Worse yet, you assume that each of your children will want to be what their older sibling was last year.  You stomp your foot and say, "not next year... we won't sign up for the same goat rodeo!"

....but then.... just like childbirth... time marches on and you forget the insanity of it all until October 1st of next year....and you do it all again.....

Hmmm... I sense a bit of sarcasm in my tone here...but it really is so silly!!!!  My kids were all so bummed out because it wasn't Halloween today.  "Why?" I asked.  I think their only audible answer was because they like collecting the candy.  The funny thing is, they won't even finish it all before it goes stale because I will police its intake for the next 2 months and I've scared the crap out of them with stories about kids who throw up from eating too much candy and the chocolate that comes up and out through the nose.  The pure allure of that much sugar massed together truly loses its sexiness in about 2 months from now.  I actually like how it just butts right up next to the Holiday season because its almost like by January...they are ASKING for carrot sticks!

This was not even my topic for this post. (Shocking, I am sure.) I know you parents have some really good ideas for recycling costumes.  I am sure if I had my act together and had set an alarm on my phone for September 1st I would have spent 7 hours researching costume swaps in the area.  There are even parents who have children who don't like candy so there is no problem giving it all away... or your kids actually go out and collect food items instead of candy to give to the food banks.  I am so thankful for all of you bucking the trend!

Here's what else happens on Halloween that bucks the system...and I LOVE it.

Community.

Right or wrong about whatever the holiday was originally created for...irregardless of how you celebrate it... we come together.  In unity.  Without judgement.

Proof?  Check out Facebook.   It is single-handedly one of the biggest nights that we post pictures of either our pumpkins or our own lil' pumpkins.  And talk about the "likes" we get...its almost as if you can't scroll through FB without "liking" everyones picture of their kids in costume without being the biggest jerk in the world!

Here's what else I love...the unity of the children.  Oh sure, there is the usual pecking-order process of "trick or treating groups.  No matter what plans are made on the bus ride home.. kids are pretty unscathed because even the best laid plans get thrown out the window and everyone ends up moving from house to house in one big flock.  The goal here, people, is candy... and lots of it.  Unity.  In the name of low-quality sugar.  Unity.

And I'll take it.  Last night was a night in which it didn't matter what school you went to, what age you were or what you were dressed up like.  You all got a piece of candy.  (Well, except those who came to my door dressed as WSU Cougs... I had dictionaries for them.)  KIDDING!

My favorite example of this was in my youngest.  I just assumed he was going to be a Fireman because that was the costume I still had from the other kids.  October 25th rolls around and he announces he is going to be a ghost.  That was about 14 hours before I was catching a flight for the weekend so my best shot was I was to grab the kid a sheet, cut some holes and call it a day.

Here's the best part of having a 3-year old....they are like dogs.  I pulled out the fireman costume one last time on Halloween afternoon to try and persuade him (because of course I still didn't have a sheet) and while he said no to the fireman (sorry public servants... I DO thank you for your hard work) he did spy a white pair of pants with black spots on them in the drawer.  He ran over, pulled it out and exclaimed, "OOOH...I want to be a cow!"  Praise God for not having enough time to junk out the costume bin.  Bright-shiny-object (black and white costume) combined with a little 3 year old brain that doesn't remember being a cow LAST year and voila... costume debacle over!

 When he was ready to come in for the night after a hefty return on trick-or-treating, he hung out on the porch with me to show me his stash of kiddy crack... I mean...candy.  By this point there were large groups of older kids out or on their way to different houses for parties.  The first group of 15 or so passed by our house without coming up for candy.  I looked back and there was Evan, standing eagerly next to the bowl of candy waiting to pass it out to the kids.  Of course, to avoid heartbreak, like every good mom, I shouted out to the group of teenagers and risked the HUGE probability I would look like an idiot to say,

"HEY!  DON'T FORGET TO STOP AND SEE THE COW!"

Oh yes... yes I did.  But you know what?  That group of High Schoolers stopped...looked...and turned around to come say "Hi" to my little cow.  Most of them didn't take any candy, but came and either shook my son's hand or gave him a High-5.  He was in Heaven...checking out all of the costumes and showing everyone his "swishy tail."

There was no judging..there was no one standing back at the sidewalk, refusing to get in on the "hamming it up with a 3 year old."  No one was too cool for that... no one did the "I don't feel like participating.  No one pulled the "I don't associate with cows" or wanted to avoid being seen High-fivin' a cow they had never met before.  (Of course I expected his babysitters to stop by and give a hug or lavish praise on him... after all, they know where their bread is buttered...but these were complete strangers on their way to a party down the street.)

No judgement.  No cliques.  Just love.

I'd like to think that is how Jesus would be if he were around to celebrate Halloween.  Oh sure, the Pharisees would be having a conniption fit with October 31st... I can just see the bulging veins and imagine the blood pressure.  No doubt the Romans would have put a kibosh on the entire holiday...but... just imagine what Jesus would have done.  Dressed up like the rest of them.... laughed at all the costumes....even the dark & ghoulish ones!  He would have passed out King Size candy bars for sure (and he probably would have only needed to buy 5 of them and yet he would have had enough for the whole hood.)  *** Footnote... you'll need to read the book of Mark, Chapter 6, lines 30-44 if that doesn't make any sense.

Point?  I would love it if every day we stopped to High-5 the cow who's looking for a smile.  Yeah, I know we are all really busy heading to a party and wanting everyone to notice what WE are wearing...but I think there are a lot of cows out there for us to bless...and who's smile will bless US.

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.   -Romans 12:10

I guarantee every high-schooler that made his way up to the front of the crowd to interact with my little cow was blessed by it.

Translate that for the population reading this, the over 55" crowd (that's inches not age people!) who can tie our own shoes... look the bank teller in the eye and really ask how he or she is doing.  Listen for the answer.  Give a dollar to the man who is humble enough to hold a sign up on the street corner.  Suspend the judgment of how he happened to find a magic marker and perfect piece of cardboard and consider instead what point he must be at to risk recognizing those he might know while he holds that sign.  High 5 your toll-booth operator.  Shake it up on the way to your big fancy party and make someone else's day.  We don't need costumes to do that.... because as different as our costumes made us seem to one another...they actually brought us together for a night.

Any "feel good" stories from the night?  Did you use Halloween to make a difference?  Would love to hear your thoughts!

What you do matters!

I spend most of my time encouraging other moms to stop and rest.

Well, now, like so many other things in life, I'm telling you to do the exact opposite.

What?

Shut the front door.

(No... I am not drinking...well, other than my 3rd cup of coffee.  Stop judging, get back to reading...like YOU didn't hit the Starbucks drive through this morning, Ms skinny Venti Gingerbread Latte woman?)

Sorry.

Little fired up over here.

It struck me that after my last post, Litmus tests for moms, that we do a lot.... I mean... a TON.  Not just as moms but as wives, friends, neighbors and daughters.  If you are dude reading this, please simply insert your own titles here.... because I love my dude readers but lets be honest here...most y'all reading this have a uterus so I'm just keeping my audience targeted, okay?

And I love that I have a husband who really, truly believes and more importantly, TELLS PEOPLE that I keep this ship running around here.  It's also, of course, what makes me the:

• Debbie Downer
• Military Drill Sergeant
• Prudish Penny

I mean, lets face it, bottoms aren't wiped clean, noses run, fingers become silverware utensils, shin guards get moldy and kids get left at school like abandoned kittens if its just all fun and games all day long!!!

Honest though?

If we're going to be real....

Sometimes, I have a hard time seeing how important I really am!!!

I know, I know... we all long for that moment when our son or daughter is accepting a distinguished award and they get up on the podium, shake hands and then nervously lean into the microphone to say, 

"I just want to thank my mom.  For everything.  I would not be here today if it wasn't for her."

But until that time...what are we left with to validate just how hard we work?
It dawned on me this morning...as I was talking to a friend who had 30 minutes to pack her bags and get out the door to the airport.

(Remember the days when you used to start laying your clothes out for an upcoming trip DAYS before?   Snort.)

You need to go away, mom.
Go somewhere... without your kids.... even if it is just 24 hours.
Here's why:

It will force you to deploy operation: "life without mom."  

DISCLAIMER: THIS CANNOT BE DONE WITHOUT ADVANCE NOTICE TO ALL PARTIES.... I REPEAT... ADVANCE NOTICE TO ALL PARTIES REQUIRED!

Why?  Because this is what needs to happen in order for you to hang up your mom hat for a period of time:

1.  Food and meals will need to be prepared in advance.  Low hanging fruit, low hanging fruit people!  Easy to peel, easy to heat, easy to serve meals that do not entirely consist of cold cereal...which is what would happen if you did not shop specifically for the time you were going to be gone.  

2.  Absolutely every bit of clothing must be washed, dried, folded and delivered to its appropriate room.  Might I suggest putting it away yourself this time so that little Johnny does not even ATTEMPT to design his own outfit should you miss something like picture day, share day, line leader day, etc....any day where a photo might be taken.

3.  The house must be cleaned.  Listen people... your home will be operating on a power play....it will not even be close to man-to-man coverage.  It's about minimizing risks... you can't afford for little feet to step on legos, less you have prepared emergency first aid kits readily available in every room.  You will not be there to search for Barbie's chiropractic-adjustments-required-high-heel-shoes that are currently located under the ottoman.  You know this because you know...and you are there... and when you leave... you won't be able to hear..."moooooommmmmmmmmmmm" from every room in the house.  Clean now...thank me later.

4.  Carpools.  Oh... I cannot stress this enough...get on it early... make an excel spreadsheet and stock up on homemade jam, Starbucks cards, and candles.... while the suck-up gifts are not necessarily needed right now, you better believe they are the second time you ask!!!  Should you ask to reciprocate in the future?  Absolutely?  Do I ever get taken up on it?  No...because everyone else seems to have their cr*p together!!!!  (Gotta keep it clean for the Pastors who read this!)

5.  Carpools..again....because this is 2 number worthy.  Once you have carpools you need to confirm, re-confirm, make sure everyone has the cell phone number and PAD THE TIME TO HAVE YOUR KID READY BY 15 MINUTES!  Trust you me, that mini-van driving mama with 3 hollering kids on her way to the Birthday party is in NO MOOD to have YOUR kid the one who's running late.  You want your kids taken for a ride in the future... you need to plan and visualize for your child curb-side and ready to load like a passenger waiting for a taxi at  Chicago O'Hare... MOVE IT KIDDO!

6.  Lastly, you'll need a Word Doc or email outlining the exact schedule of the time you will be gone.  No...not what you  are doing...but what everyone else needs to be doing.  Exact location of back-packs, water-bottles, wrapped birthday presents, field locations for game days, etc. After all, you won't be there to do all of what you do.  I will NEVER throw my husband under the bus, but even if I were to leave my hubby in charge of the whole house for a couple of days, I would need to put some of our dirty little secrets in writing:

• My oldest son will try and sneak through the day without brushing his teeth...you have to smell his mouth before sending out the door or tucking in at night.
• One son likes the cran-apple juice in his lunch, the other is straight apple-juice.  Do NOT confuse the two.
• You must hold my youngest son's penis when peeing in the potty... he doesn't want to.  Yes... I am being absolutely serious here.
• One son needs door open, one son needs door closed and one needs door closed but sound-maker on to a specific noise in order to fall asleep.  Get it wrong and you'll have 3 "second-wind night owls who resemble a Red-Bull addict.

Just sayin...

So moms... don't be defeated by this list... get your hero cape on and make it happen.. you know how to sling a child on one hip, correct homework and listen to a squeaky, want-to-poke-your-eyes-out rendition of Amazing Grace on the recorder all at the same time.... now just write all of that down for the person who is going to take your place for a day or two....or three.... or... 

oh, now I'm just daydreaming....

Happy Trails!

Oh hey wait...before I hit 10,000 feet this morning ...tell me about how YOU get out of town?  Tips?  Do you avoid it because it is just too much work or do you have it down to a science?

The litmus test every mom should use to grade herself

I don't really consider myself much of a baseball nut, to say the least (although I am reminded that is the name of a really good flavor of Ice Cream and Baskin Robbins.)

Back to baseball... I have 55 minutes before certain 65 pound and 46 pound bundles of energy come off the bus which means I will be on "red flag alert" listening to 27 stories about school (mostly recess,) feeding snacks, questioning why they didn't eat half their packed lunch and monitoring homework progress.  (What is up with parents having to correct homework these days, by the way?)  I'll need to video tape my son's recorder songs and upload to email; correct Everyday math (are you kidding me, this is NOT the way I learned math,) oversee 5 minutes of typing on MY COMPUTER which means all my USB ports will be left unplugged and all open internet windows closed, give a oral spelling test and check reading comprehension answers for correct grammar, capitalization and punctuation.  Oh, and that was one kid.  (And if feels like just yesterday I was looking soooooo forward to the start of school: "First day of school: do I laugh or cry?")

Dude... I do not have a degree for this.... I pay TAXES and a write a hefty check so my children can go to good schools... but now I'm on the hook for 45 minutes worth of homeschooling?

That actually brings me back, AGAIN, to Baseball.  You see, baseball is all about statistics.  Really.  My husband and oldest child could rattle some of the most obscure statistics about baseball players and their performance.  One of a player's stats that carries a hefty weight is their batting average.  So, if I were to write baseball for dummies, I would explain that "a batting average is calculated by dividing the number of times a player has gotten a base hit by the number of times the player has been at bat."  An average batting average is about .269 for a team collectively... a good average is above .300 and the all-time record is held by Ted Williams who batted an amazing .406 back in 1946!

(Impressive what a chick can learn thanks to the internet... I practically sound like an ESPN anchor!)
Ahhh... still giggling....

Anyhoo... think about that statistic in terms of percentages... so a pretty good player, one who is sought out... paid millions and millions of dollars to play for a team... put on merchandise for God's sake... gets on base 30% of the time.

In school, uhhhh, that's failing.  Blowing it.  Big time.  I mean, Kumon won't even take you at that point!

But as moms, we really hold ourselves to a different standard, don't we?

Back to the afternoon schedule... take a look at all that is required of a typical grade-school parent the minute she collects her children from school?  And that is just what the state requires of us... never mind we elect to add  an absorbent amount of extracurricular activities to our child's plate.  Sports, music-lessons, church education programs, scouts, etc. just add to the plate because you aren't just getting them to and fro, you're ensuring they follow up on all that is demanded from those activities on the dates you AREN'T there.

I know I've said this in almost every post, but I really do write for my own therapy.  Okay, fine... secretly (well, now it's not) I also write because I hope I strike a chord with some other mom or moms out there... dude...we're friggin nuts!!!!

Because this morning I was almost in tears.  I dropped my 3 year old off at pre-school and was flying back out to the car to head to a PRECIOUS allocation of time to get my hair cut and well... um... enhanced in the umm... tone area.... um yes...I mean...color... well fine...

I GET IT HIGHLIGHTED.... SO THERE!

The preschool teacher asked if I was staying.  ("Why would I do that?" was my first thought.... ) but I asked if she needed help.  No, she replied...but it was "stay and visit" day so you could make a craft with your children!!!!!!  Oh joy.  No, I didn't know that.  No, I didn't get that email or read though every stinking bit of news for my 3 year old's newsletter this month.  OMG, this is why I write a check people... it is my BREAK!!!!

Loser mom... I thought... one more thing I didn't plan for... didn't remember...and I could just envision my child during circle time, sitting on the teacher's lap because my son "had no mama."

Tears were welling up.... and I am NOT a public crier!

You see... this just went on the top of the "already loser mom" feelings....

I nearly forgot it was picture day this morning and my husband had to rescue me (Thank you Jesus for getting him back from Houston a day early) by doing the boys hair while I scrambled to fill out the forms 5 minutes before the bus came.

The day before I listened to my son tell me how he's missing all the contests because WE don't know where his Orthodontist's debit card is and by not bringing it to his emergency appointment to replace HIS BROKEN WIRE... he was losing out on earning points.

Let's see... I could go on for days people.  School library books not in the backpack on the right days, bus passes left by the printer on the day my child is supposed to ride home with another kid.  Lunches packed in the wrong lunchbox (leaving each of my children to open up their lunches and find all of the "wrong" things... a perfect example as to how different they are!)  Yeah, that one was fun because they just didn't eat their lunches... nothing like a starving, low-blood sugar crank at the end of a school day!

We've missed team snack...forgotten water bottles on hot days, bibles to church-camp and have DEFINITELY failed to remember that it is someone's turn to pick out the ice cream flavor at the supermarket.   Allowance was paid late, a jersey wasn't washed in time for the game and I seem to be the only mom who won't plunge $60+ on a Halloween costume.

It's a wonder my children haven't filed for emancipation by now.

But you know what... I'm still batting about .900+ according to my reflection... I mean... lets consider all that I DO get right.  They are wearing underwear, they've showered, they are fed, they are loved.  Hey... that's an A- right there...take THAT, Everyday Math!

 My kids will not give you that same statistic of course...but that is just a short-term recollection of my performance.  In five years, they will forget about the missed bus pass or the time I served them homemade pizza with dough that had CLEARLY gone past its date (whoops) but I gotta stop listening to them... or myself for that matter.  Jesus is the one collecting data for the stats.

And he says I'm batting 100%.  He knows I am doing my best.  He also knows that our Heavenly Father purposed and crafted us specifically for our children.

Hebrews 13:21 (New Living Translation)


May he equip you with all you need for doing his will.
May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ,
every good thing that is pleasing to him.
    All glory to him forever and ever! Amen.

Allright...so this is good stuff... He never asks us to be perfect and yet he tells us from the beginning that he's equipped us with all that we need to do....and its pleasing to Him.

How freeing... how liberating.... somewhere there's a woman shouting
"Can...I...get...an...A-MEN...up....in....here?"

Don't get your stats from your children...they are ruthless little suckers! Don't judge yourself because chances are... Satan's going to show up for that trial and stick you in the chair of the condemned or let you party over in the "guilt" chambers.  Nah... turn your eyes instead to the one who MADE you...he's known you the longest... and he thinks you are FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made.

Okay...okay...okay... I'm sure there is some permission slip you still need to fill out before tomorrow so I'll sign out for now...but celebrate in your incredible MBA... Mom's Batting Average and then brainstorm what you want your bobble head to look like.

Anyone else feelin' me on this one?  Let me know!

Does God come in disguise?

As the Halloween season approaches, I find myself dreading the few weeks left before the big night out.  Not for any religious reasons.  I really don’t mind if you deck your house out in all of that ghost/witch spider stuff, although I will say that for some yards...driving past is like forcing my children to watch Superbowl commercials.  Really?  Headless corpses with blood dripping down?  On October 2nd?  You don’t mind if I call you at one in the morning as I’m soothing my son back to sleep after he’s had a nightmare about the exact same dark figure you insist on hanging from your tree for an entire month...do you?

Hmmm... guess I needed to get THAT off my chest.  Thank you for being my clinical psychologist, I’m sure I have deeper roosted issues on this holiday.  Actually, I really shouldn’t open the can of worms on this holiday for many reasons... man.... people do some crazy things and have to apologize for some really crazy stuff come November 1st.  

And so.... ahem... I quickly transition to the POINT of why I dread this holiday. It’s the costume.  The build-up, the ideas, the changing of ideas, the changing AGAIN of ideas and then the scramble to fulfill the 17th idea for a costume.  No.  Not for me... my kids!  Now, let’s clear the air that this only happens to my two oldest.  My youngest will be 3 and has had absolutely no say in what costume he dons for the evening.  All he knows is that from birth on, once a year, there is a complete increase in the number of pictures taken and after every flash, his mom makes an “awwww” sound or just giggles.  Then, on the night of his wedding rehearsal dinner... all of these pictures will surface and his closest friends will get a look at how his mom manipulated him for her own pleasure. So far, a pea-pod, puppy dog and cow costume have all given me the sheer pleasure of creating a photographic opportunity.  One day, I will probably be paying for HIS therapy.

No...it’s my oldest that change their minds 72 times in 6 weeks.  I refuse to spend $75.00 on a costume that will be used for one night and so I always end up being the party crasher when I have to put the ki-bosh on the elaborate costume ideas.  Because truly, when else in your life are you going to put on a Jawa costume and wear it around?  So far...zero.  The football costumes are the only ones I have gotten repeated uses out of but I have to add, they have also cost me in the form of ice packs, Tylenol and trips to the Urgent Care.

Disguises are a funny thing however, aren’t they?  What’s the attraction?  Sometimes I wonder if the “masked appearance” gives us the illusion that we can behave differently?  Certainly I bet the UW Husky mascot has a different “persona” in costume than on the street?  (I’m convinced the Oregon Duck is probably just as rude outside of costume.)  It’s almost like a costume gives us a different access point... maybe some take you more seriously or are intrigued to listen to what you have to say.  For instance... if I were to don angel wings for the evening and pass out candy, maybe some little trick or treater would hang onto my words more than if I just answered in my “mom” attire?  A juggling clown holds the attention of a circus attendee much more than the same guy if you saw him juggling in plain clothes at a bus stop.

I wonder if that is the reason that Jesus withheld his identity to the two believers on the way to Emmaus?  (Luke 24:13-35)

At this point I fully recognize that some of you are scratching your heads or even pushing the chair back like, “Whoa...I gotta be honest with you, I didn’t see that coming.”  Waaa-bahm.”  There you have it.  Because really, without tying my “think out loud” ponderings to our Creator, am I not wasting everyone’s time?  Go grab a self-help book if that’s the case...there are PLENTY to choose from.  No... if are you are still reading... you seek truth!

(Good for you.)

Okay, so back to Jesus.  If you read the story... go ahead... I’ll wait....

Welcome back.  Now you know that Jesus joined up with two men walking from Jerusalem and asked what they were discussing.  It says in the bible that Jesus kept himself “hidden” from them which I believe means that he gave himself a disguise.  (Also because I think it would be weird to think that the two men started talking to an invisible, but audible man.)  They fill him in on the details of Jesus’s death and disappearance from the tomb, all the while astonished at the weekend’s events.  I find this story amusing when I think about what Jesus was probably thinking while he was listening to these two “believers” talking about the town gossip.  “Really?”  “Get out of town!”  “Shut the front door!” might have been my comments if I were Jesus...all of these said with a very sarcastic tone...(uh yes, which I know would not be representative of Jesus’s nature...sarcasm... yet if you are judging me for that then let me ask YOU to cast the first stone.... uh huh.)  

I just think it’s funny that he didn’t tell them who he was at that time.  He didn’t interrupt them with something like, “Uh duh... I know... check out the nail holes, dude.... I was THERE.”

Instead, he went on and on and on... a couple of mile’s worth of relaying the ancient scriptures to them within the old testament; how prophets had proclaimed everything that had just happened over the last few days.  He called them out on their faith...although they were professed believers that Jesus was the messiah, they acted like everything that had happened was out of this world- yet Jesus reminded them, while in disguise, that indeed part of their faith was to remember that all these things were to pass IN ORDER to fulfill the realization that Jesus was the messiah.  Would they have not listened to him if he had simply shown up in his linen cloths alongside them on the road?

My guess is probably not.  They would have fallen to their knees, or peed their pants or fainted...something embarrassing enough so much so that they wouldn’t have listened to what they needed to hear.  And don’t we do that?  Don’t we dismiss people and what they have to say, simply because of what they are wearing?  The job they have?  Whether they know us or not?

Heavy stuff for a Monday...and to that, I apologize...but I guess this is the takeaway:

God will use people to get his point across to you.  Sometimes it’s pretty obvious as to who they are but sometimes they are disguised.  What do I mean?

Sometimes it’s the Bible or a Pastor that will give you a nugget of knowledge specific to your life and your situation.  Sometimes it’s a close friend that you know has authority to speak into your life.

But sometimes... it might be the mail clerk.  A passerby.  A chance encounter with a stranger.  You see, Jesus can hide himself in anyone to show you his love.  Speak the words you needed to hear.  Fill in that questioning blank you’ve had in your heart.

You just never know who’s going to pull up alongside you in the road of life.  Be expectant.  Be ready.  Be listening.  Be blessed.

This too shall pass

You know that phase of working out when you decide to finally listen to all of those personal trainers and add some weight training because you know that it will benefit your life in so many ways?

1.  You'll burn more calories throughout the day because muscle burns more than fat.
2.  You'll be less prone to injuries because you'll have increased strength.
3.  When you stop waving goodbye at the school bus, your underarm will no longer continue to jiggle back and forth for another 10 seconds.

Okay...great...

Now, you know that phase of working out when you start to add muscle but the fat you have from taking the summer off is still there so now the fat is actually being pushed out because you're building muscle dimension underneath it?

Yeah, that's the part...where things aren't fitting right and starting to spill over like some sick and wrong science experiment?

Yes, okay, now we are on the same page.  This sucks!

This too shall pass.... because it just will.
Because life is always in motion...transforming us.....from season to season...
(and because I know the trainer is right... eventually my muscle will refine, I will lose the fat and voila... I will fit into skinny jeans without losing the ability to breathe.)  Hmmmm.....

It reminds me of labor.  And pregnancy for that matter.

Some women keep their body shape and simply look like they stuffed a basketball into their shirt when the finally turn sideways and you can see that they are carrying a full-grown infant inside their body.  They gain, what... 18 pounds?  Yeah, I gain 18 pounds within the time it takes me to pee on a stick and see that little plus sign and hop the scale.  Seriously... its like my hips heard the news and set up a tail gating party for me... I could have grown a pony keg instead of a baby.

As any mom knows, those 40 weeks DO NOT fly by...there is nothing fast about it...

until contractions start.  Suddenly you are faced with the fact that it is the end of your pregnancy... at those very moments when the contractions become regular... you are done being pregnant.

Only, of course, to enter a phase of complete unknown duration...and can I just add....that time does not fly by either.  Oh sure, chunks of hours will dissipate off the clock and you won't even believe that its time for a shift change (or two, or three) for the hospital nurses and staff but that is only because you're being overtaken with a pain inside your body that causes all other coherent motor functions to cease.

I'll never forget my first labor; how could I?  After all, I have THIRTY HOURS of memories in which to choose from.  Unbeknownst to me I had pneumonia so between the coughing and the hacking I was pretty weary by time we even rolled into the hospital.  I'm not sure whether  peeing amniotic fluid every time I coughed or the puking up orange popsicle was more special (aka disturbing) for my husband to witness.  (We don't talk about that much.... I'm not sure he has time for his own therapy appointments these days.)

I pushed for 3 hours and 45 minutes.  Yes...that's right.  We had to get a Dr's permission to continue without a C-section but by that point, the guy's head was pretty well stuck in there.  (The baby not the doctor.)  No forceps or anything like that needed.... just one ginormous head for which I will never be able to join my kids at SkyHigh trampoline for.  (Love him...just love him.)  His head was over the 100% percentile... dear Jesus I hope he becomes a rocket scientist with that noggin of his.

When you are in the throes of it... you don't see the other side.  Your perspective is limited to what you see around you...the sights, smells and emotions.  That pushing was going to last forever... I mean c'mon...one hour of pushing and I have the "size of a dime" visible to my midwife?  I should have had a friggin buffet plate after all my effort.

But that's just it.  It's only our effort.  That is the best we can do.  That is all we can do.  And this too...shall pass.  This season...shall pass.  These trials...shall pass....  My insanely exaggerated muffin top and bulging thigh area...shall pass (or be surgically removed but you get my point.)

God's perspective is eternal.  He sees you in this specific season, trial, tribulation, pit, weariness, teariness, etc....but he also sees what lies ahead.

This too shall pass.

I love what pastor Jennifer Kraker  said earlier this week when talking about seasons of life, "its like our side view mirrors when we are driving- they read 'Objects in mirror are closer than they appear'."

My child was finally born and in retrospect, it was the blink of an eye that I now have a 9, 6 and 3 year -old set of incredible boys.  Sunnier days are closer than they appear.  Sleepless nights w/ an infant are closer than they appear.  This funk you are in, the implosion of carpools, team practices and PTA obligations you are in...shall too pass... the light at the end of the tunnel is closer than it appears.  You do your part... plod on.... do the best you know how AND ask God to handle the rest.

You do the natural...Jesus takes care of the supernatural.

And yes, its perfectly okay to pray for supernatural skinny thighs.  Amen!

The solution for over-committed families

After another over-loaded, over-committed Turnley weekend, lets just say I didn't wake up feeling refreshed.  There was no "Carpe Diem!"

Hungover?  No.

Just plain under-rested, over-scheduled?  Yes.
(And, since if you were a therapist taking notes giving me that look, would I also admit I stayed up too late catching up on Facebook?  Okay, FINE... Yes... YES.... YES I DID!)

(And why oh why do I have an obsession about making sure I "like" everyone's posts??? Cyber-praise?)

At least by 9:30pm I told myself to go to bed and read before my novel was due back at the library.
(What, you were hoping I'd say I was in the middle of some great biography...or more laughable... a parenting book?)

Bahhhaaa..  Haaa... haaaa!

No.  I can't read those books at night; they get me all riled up stack-ranking myself against people who have a book written about them (as if that's comparable.... as IF I'm supposed to be ranking myself AT ALL!) or condemning myself for being a slacker parent (curse you, parenting book authors!)

So, no.... a novel.... and thank goodness, lights were out at 10:22, I was out by 10:30 (near record) and don't remember a thing until Regan shook me awake at 7:08 a.m.

I know many would argue that is a ton of sleep.  Oh no, my friends, that is the MINIMUM this mamasita needs to make it each day when my husband is out of town.  A 3 on 1 power play, ESPN would argue, is complete zone defense... I mean... game ON!

Factor in a "normal" night sleep without any waking up for sleep-walkers, bed-wetters or bad-dreams and you're waking up playing at par, you know?

Women, bear with me through all the sports analogies... I can't just talk about contractions, shaving and trips to the bus stop and expect my guy readers to make it through. 

Track back to the weekend... busy.  BUSY!  A mellow Friday night but partially because every Friday we're committed to sitting in traffic for 35 minutes to travel 4.5 miles to scour (politely) with 150 other SUV's for one of 125 parking stalls so that my six year old can learn to play soccer in 30 minutes and then scrimmage for another 30 minutes.  Oh yes, right at 5:30 on a Friday night.  There's no casual conversation at 5:35... its "MOVE, MOVE, MOVE" so we can try and get out of the lot before... you guessed it.... all the other cars.  Race, race race to get home because we're pretty sure the chicken in the oven is now jerky OR a fire-starter.  Phew, just dehydrated...chuck some sauce on it and it will be fine! What else can we microwave to throw some sort of food resembling a dinner onto the table by 7:15...which oh by the way, is my 3 year old's BEDTIME!

I'm no therapist, but I'm beginning to see why my kids are so high strung....hmmmmm..... 

Up Saturday morning to a soccer game.... go son go.... then in the car to Cle Elum for a family reunion.  Five bodies in one small room.... mmmmm.... good nighttime memories of NO SLEEP and let's not forget that we can't REALLY be ourselves in the morning because oh, that's right, we're around extended family.... so I pray silently to myself that no one is a "top of the mornin' to you" kind of cheery-o leprechaun because I fear I might kick them if they talk to me in the morning.

(Disclaimer: if you are reading this and are related to me I truly did have a good time and enjoyed seeing everyone but no one wants to read a sappy blog.. I might as well post my homemade flaxseed cookies and child's artwork.)

Roll up the sleeping bags... search for socks, iPods and baseball hats because its 1..2.... 3... strikes your out, gotta get the kids to the old....Mariner's ball..... game for our nephew's Birthday Party at Safeco Field.  Yes.  In Seattle.  Yes... that is 80 miles West of Cle Elum.  Yes... it does take 30 minutes to cover the first 4 miles of unpaved roads in the mini-van.  Yes, we also own a 4-runner.  Yes...that WOULD have been a better vehicle to take off-road in Cle Elum but duh.... we have 3 children and can't go on a road trip in an SUV unless we duct taped them to the ski rack on top.

Back from the park-n-ride after child drop-off to go home and unload.  Must get unpacked and littlest one down for a nap before we turn around to pick the other kiddos UP from the baseball game party.  Mommy was too tired (heaven forbid) to get all 7 loads of laundry done before we left so I better get into overdrive and get that done or daddy has no underwear for his trip to Chicago.  T-minus 4 hours and counting til Daddy needs to catch that flight...wash, wash, wash!!!  3 duffle bags unloaded and we did it!  Just 22 miles one way to pick up the kids.... ooooh....gooodie.... arrived just in time for the sugar crash and the effects of sleep deprivation and stimulus overload.... yeah me!!!

Back to home.
Reality.

I'm wiped.  My boys are wiped.  I am on a POWER PLAY.  Zone defense.  Bring it (again)!

1.  Top Ramen for dinner.  With fruit slices on a plate because it's not like I lost MY MIND, after all.
2.  Zone out time.  That meant one played in their room alone.  One watched football on TV and one took a shower so long that it ran the hot water tank out.  So what.
3.  Upstairs to read at 7:15.  That's right.  45 minutes early.

Unwind... Turnley family...unwind.....

I don't have passive, pleaser children...so let's not kid ourselves.  That evening included about 4 fits, one "I hate you" and even one "I feel like killing myself all because of you!" (stomp, stomp, stomp.)

Developmentally tracking for their age?  Check.

But, I know that sleep deprivation is a form of torture in some countries.  I also know that we subject patients to a strobe light to induce seizures and I'm pretty sure some of our days feel like a strobe light to  my children.... and me!

And so.... we rested.  As best as we could.  As best as we knew how... the Turnley family isn't going to go from Mock 90 to zen in a day.  But, we do believe:


Psalm 23:2-3 New Living Translation (NLT)
2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
    he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3     He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
    bringing honor to his name.

God WANTS US to have some down time.  Are our days numbered?  Yes.  Is our life over in an instant?  Yes.  Are we supposed to make the most of every day?  Yes, but it doesn't mean we aren't to be INTENTIONAL about our down time, either.

And so we chilled.

You know, I had a COMPLETELY different idea about what my point was when I started ...obviously, God wanted to take it somewhere else.  Perhaps it was just for my own sake... to see how truly fast and hard we run as a family... to give ourselves more grace to be still.  Unwind.  Chill.  Maybe it's even okay to (gasp) sit and watch a football game on TV with my boys.  (Although I refuse to do that hands down the pants thing.)  And although my laundry multiplied like bunnies, I swear.... no one went without clothing for 48 hours while I ignored my laundry.

Maybe I was writing this for someone else...because often I don't think my own life is out of balance at all, but when I hear about someone else' life its easy for me to think, "Girl... you need to learn how to say No!  I could never keep my kids up that late!"  (I love how easy it is to see everyone else's problems..I'm so GOOD at it!)

Whatever the case, I have to trust that this was supposed to be the material I post.  I know if I re-read this... it will never make it past the editing floor.

Loyal readers... will you PLEASE speak up on FB or at the end of my post and let me know if this spoke to you?  I pray I was simply being "the vehicle."

 Cause it's either that or I'm thinkin' I need even more sleep!!!

Curious...how do you play a role in helping your family maintain balance?  Post your thoughts!

Am I laughing? Am I crying?

A memoir of all parents....

The night before I was scheduled to check in to Central Dupage Hospital in Wheaton, Illinois, I didn't sleep a wink.  Well, probably a wink, but not much after that.  Tossing and turning.  Flipping my pillow.  Waking at the sound of a plane flying 30 miles away.  When a thunderstorm rolled through at 4:15 in the morning I just called it a night and got up.

I was scheduled to deliver my 3rd son the following day and well, I was anxious!  I already had two incredibly healthy sons with great deliveries but nonetheless, knowing you are going to wake up the following morning and be in LABOR does seem to bring about a sense of restlessness.  Anticipation.  Calculating, mentally making a list....checking it twice...

Did I pack my this, my that?
Does the neighbor have my contact numbers?
Is someone getting my mom from the airport?

It was much like that same restless feeling last night as I lay awake...the night before the first day of school.  With my husband having left for an East Coast trip earlier that evening, there was a sense of "Rosie the Riveter" within my spirit.  I was on my own, taking on new frontier... in a new era.... (I'm cracking myself up!)  No....seriously....

Could I get my 9 year old out the door without any wardrobe malfunctions and a lunch that included some sort of nutrition for his newly adhered braces?

Could I wake my late-sleeping 1st grader up in time to clothe and eat without missing the bus (and remembering his underwear?)

Would my 3 year old son demand his usual amount of attention and go with the flow or fight the current?

Could I shower, dry hair and apply some resemblance of makeup to be proud of those first day of school pictures and not want to try and photo-shop myself out?

That line of thinking got me through until I saw midnight on the alarm clock.  Then my friend "memory lane" stopped in for a visit.... recalling the high and low points of the summer; road trips, swimming at Pine Lake, zoo trips, shaking in our boots to the roar of the Blue Angels.... blueberry picking, summer baseball and trips to Costco that took 2 hours and ended with tossing 23 sample cups into the trash at the exit.  Ahhhh....those summer days.  The outbursts, mommy-is-losing-her-mind-episodes and clashing of the minds seemed to fade into the night air.  The "I'm bored," "this is the worst day ever," "there is nothing to do," "I want a new mom" comments grew distant and not nearly as stinging as they were the days they were spoken these past 10 weeks.

Then the ghost of the present came to visit and we looked onward to the future..... I would be able to take showers longer than 10 minutes, shop at Target without coercion or breakdowns and eat a lunch that did not originally start as a whole sandwich on my son's plate.  Why, I could sit down and read a magazine.... unload the entire dishwasher at once and even....WRITE!  Read a book...or  two...or even visit the big people section of the library!  I could SHAVE MY LEGS!!!!

Of course the mere thoughts of having all of my children in some sort of school or napping for a combined for 13 hours a week got me so excited that I definitely saw 12:30 am....and 1:00 am.

And so here I am, bleary eyed, writing to you.  Jacked up and down on 2 cups of coffee, an Americano and a Diet Coke... a heartfelt "share" with all of the other parents out there today....

They are on the bus.  I teared... my voice cracked as I waved and said "Goodbye" as they stepped away from me.  I hollered a hoopla after the bus pulled away.  Then, of course, I immediately posted all of the pictures on Facebook and wistfully scrolled through everyone else's first day pictures.  I envisioned every other parent's struggle between "cheers and tears."  While I cannot deny that there is a rightfully selfish woman inside of me who is ready to exhale after holding her breath for 10 weeks, I am gripped by the fact that when that bus pulled away this morning, it forced my children to get older.  It was no longer an option for my 6 year old to attend school half the day.  My fourth grader needs that playground adrenaline rush found only in hurling inflated balls at their opposing teammates heads in a action-packed game of Dodgeball and yes, even my 3 year old will need the heartfelt love of a teacher who actually enjoys craft time.

Time really does fly.  And at times, it really does slow down.  And its perfectly okay to cry and laugh at the same time today.  It's a changing of the guards, a reddening of the green leaves as the cool morning air ushers in a new season.

I for one will be trying my best not to immediately pack my calendar full of things (as I write that I'm such a hypocrite...but working to get a free day in here soon!!!) so that I can "take inventory" of the ME that existed before children.  What has been put on the shelf?  What do I have more time for?  How can I best prepare for this next season?

I hope that all of you parents (and parents in the making) have had a wonderful day or for my Midwest and East Coast readers... I know you just did this a few weeks ago.... but I encourage you to embrace the day and the transition for what it is....such a wonderful passage of time... a chance to reflect on the great memories...let the bad ones fade away and embrace the addition of time deposited back into your daily accounts.  A word of caution to not immediately throw oneself into your entire to-do list without checking to see if some of that is even relevant!  Just as our children have grown...so have we!

Congrats to all...and now.... I must go meet the bus and capture some more Facebook-bound photographs as my children disembark from their first day of "being older."  :)