Okay, you've been duly warned....
In my last post I wrote about the holiday season and how nutty it can get...if we let it. Oh, sure, you can put all the stop gaps into place to make sure you don't get off the rails:
"I am only going to get one gift per person"
"We are not sending out Holiday cards this year"
"I'm going to get all my shopping done by October 15th."
Uh yeah, how did all of that go over? Good luck on the "one gift" idea... people stop inviting you to things when you don't send out cards and for those of you that tried to get it done by October 15th, how's that working for you? Too bad half the people you shopped for either went out and bought it themselves since then or changed their minds about what they wanted...
(told you this was going to be obnoxious!)
Because in reality, friends, the holidays are just not that simple. You can try to swim upstream all you want...and there are some of you reading this who are ready to sign me up for magazines like "Real Simple" or even better, "Oprah" who will probably encourage me to meditate on simplicity. If I would just read those, everything would be "chill," right?
Yeah, okay, Big O, let me get into my zen room and light some candles... then about 32 seconds later I'll hear a chant that sounds like "ooohhhmmmmm" which is just short for "MMMMOOOOOHHHHHHMMMMM," and then 3 kids will be knocking on my zen room (aka toilet stall in my Bathroom.) When I finally swing the door open and they see the candles, they'll fight over who is going to blow them out. When they blow the candles out that will probably send hot wax splattering onto the commode, the walls behind and if I'm lucky, just one of my body parts. Chances are, one of my kids will have blown more than one candle out, thereby leaving one my children throwing down the "unsportsmanlike conduct" penalty flag and I'll have to re-light the candle so that "little orphan annie" who missed out on the candle experience the first time around, can have their own shot at it. Which will, of course, result in more flying candle wax and now enough smoke to possible set off the smoke detector in my bedroom.
Zen..... right......
So I propose that we just stick to some basic rules to navigate the next few weeks. ((And, of COURSE, keep our eyes on the prize, our Savior, Jesus...who is probably rolling around on Heaven's floor, holding his perfectly chiseled set of abs (because there is no fat in Heaven) and cracking up at how obnoxious we've become at celebrating his birthday season!)) Here are my top 3 for today and I'll give you a few more on Thursday....
Rule #1:
Don't skimp or go Rogue on the white elephant exchange gift. Candles, folks, candles...and don't go cheap on those... they leave rings in the jars and smoke up your walls. March on down to BB&B with your $5 coupon and get a small Yankee Candle. Done. Enough said. Even better, don't even have a white elephant exchange at your Christmas party. It's like forcing all of your close friends to attend your garage sale. Really? We have to choose between our friendship and that God-awful homemade ceramic mug you picked up at the Seniors Craft Bazaar? And since I'll choose your friendship, please don't make me take that crap home...I'll conveniently hide it behind the extra roll of toilet paper in your powder room cupboard. Promise.
Rule #2:
Get the same stinkin' gift for every "don't have to but feel like I"m supposed to" recipient. You know that list... it starts small; perhaps its just your children's teachers but after you've listened to your bus-stop moms crone on and you sucked yourself into Pinterest (aka Anakin's dark side...The Force...that site freaks me out!) then you realize you have to get gifts for:
- Postman
- Cleaners, Lawn Service, Handyman and any other regular Joes you support in your home
- Garbageman
- Recycling Dude
- Lets not forget our Yard Waste/Compost collector!
- Milkman
- Secretaries at the School
- Bus Driver (make sure your morning and afternoon drivers aren't 2 different people!)
- Music Lesson Provider person
Don't THINK I didn't make this list up... up in the burbs... this list is REAL! Now some of you OCD, Martha-esque crafty types I hate because secretly I wish I was like you... you have all these great things wrapped up in "rustic" cardboard boxes with recycled twine and topped off with a homemade bow & craft-punched tag. Dude, I'd deliver your friggin' milk if I could get myself one of those, but in reality, the 98% rest of us are STRESSED OUT by your elaborate packaging for all these people and it makes us look like idiots who sit around eating BonBons and watching the USA network all day. So lets all agree to just head out to our local drug store, load up on 14 boxes of Almond Roca and stick them on top of whatever receptacle our service-person takes care of. Come Wednesday, December 19th you're going to see 3 boxes on top of my garbage/recycling/yardwaste cans, one on top of my Mailbox, my Piano, and so on. In reality, they can re-gift those frozen Almond Roca's at THEIR White Elephant Christmas party but I can wipe my hands clean and say "check!"
Rule#3:
Go buy 6 bottles of the same kind of Wine, or some "Foofie, Drivable" beverage in case your peeps don't drink. (Better yet, for those of you in that category, just buy 6 more boxes of Almond Roca!) And no, this post is not sponsored by Almond Roca but seriously, who doesn't LOVE those nuggets of goodness??? I've had 3 already and it's not even 11am!
Chances are, you'l get invited to a few events in the coming weeks. You won't want to show up empty handed but who has time to run around and get creative when you've already logged 22 hours trying to get a babysitter who isn't already working that night, playing a sport that night, going to a church event or learning her 3 instruments or 4 languages so she can get into college?
Once you've nailed down a sitter you have to find an outfit, plan for your kids dinner and then creatively schedule the day so you have time to shave BOTH legs prior to your event. So, just stock up on wine prior to Thanksgiving and keep a stash out in the garage. On your way out to the event just grab a bottle and voila, thrust it at them when you arrive and you're a hero!
And for the Love of Jesus, please don't go Rogue here, either. Stick with the common grapes... this is not the time to try some crazy grape from some crazy region. Stick with good 'ol CA and WA varieties. Doing any different would be like trying to sneak in mashed cauliflower instead of mashed potatoes during your Thanksgiving meal. Just say No. Being on the receiving side of this argument, I can assure you.. those random bottles of wine that you think give you street cred as a wine connosuier... do NOT. The bottles end up sitting in storage because I don't know what they are, if they are good or not, and I can't risk opening the bottle when I have company over. Chances are, it will flavor my stew in February. So... once again... I repeat... stick with CA and WA... if you can't pronounce the grape, don't buy it!
There you have it folks... stay tuned on Thursday for advice on Cookie Exchanges, visiting Santa and other Christmas-time outing advice!
Stay Sane... keep them eyes on Jesus. :) (And the road if you are reading this in your car.)
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