Okay, so, no hard drugs which means I am writing with a clear mind. A bit fired up from having someone hit every major nerve that my teeth connect to, but clear nonetheless.
And, ready to kick off the holiday season...there is something about ordering the annual Christmas Card that seems to get me over the hump. It is the biggest "over thought" project I create for myself each and every year. It doesn't help that after the first year of trying a "folded, customized" photo card, that my husband concluded we could never go back to the simple glossy, 1-sided card. So every year, it takes me about 3 weeks to collect all of the photos that are actually "sharable," will color-coordinate with the card, fit in the crop "zones" and not set us back an entire mortgage payment. It only took 2 glasses of wine last night and voila'....hitting "confirm order" never felt so good.
(I am, however, willing to bet a mortgage payment that when one of my sons gets a bit older, he will consider taking me to court for not gaining permission to duplicate and distribute his image on one particular photo.)
Tee hee hee....
So where did we leave off from earlier in the week? Oh, and thank you to all of you who shared the post on your wall and with friends... even my Hubby commented that he got caught chuckling at the office while reading the last one... I must have been nipping off the egg nog. Which, by the way, I am either going to have to stop carb and fat loading when it rains or move to a different climate because HELLO... I can polish off a tube of Ritz Crackers faster than you can read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom to your kiddo. Yeesh.
If you didn't read my last post, click HERE (shameless plug, I know.)
So let's dig right back in....
RULE#4
What to do about the Ugly Sweater Party
I don't know who invented this occasion...but now that we are of post-college age, I would equate the party to as much pain as having to dance to the song "Stairway to Heaven"with the WRONG guy. Argggh...agony!
Chances are, if you are hip, you'll probably get invited to an ugly sweater party. I'm not hip, apparently, because I haven't had to go to one but I still have an opinion about them...and can help you avoid the therapist. Just RSVP "no" and go out to dinner. If you have to go, then just buy a red or green sweater and look more like "Frasier" or "Niles" as opposed to your Great Grandma Sue. Oh...don't you snort at me and call me the grinch... because when that evening is done and the moth-infested sweater is in the dumpster, the pictures from that evening will live on forever; just like your middle-school perm or mullet. And let's just all admit that we'd rather vomit on someone prominent than be forced to look at those photos again. So while the party looks all "fun and games," it will make its way to the internet... which means your ability to interview, adopt a child, run for office or supervise anyone could potentially go down the drain.... all because of the bad rudolph sweater w/ the red pom-pom for his nose. Not good.
RULE#5
Cookie exchanges are heavenly, ingenious and productive... so lets keep them that way, shall we? I know, the thought of baking 236 dozen cookies is daunting, but when you come home with so many different varieties to sample and enjoy, not only does your family appreciate it, but you come off looking like a "genius!!!!" (And, if you circle back to my post from yesterday, you also have a great gift idea for all of those providers who you feel compelled (aka pressured) to give something to.
So what is the rule? STAY IN YOUR LANE... KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE GOAL.... DON'T USE US POOR SOULS AS YOUR FOCUS GROUP!
What do I mean?
A cookie exchange is not where you test things out... experiment..or stretch beyond your capacity. It is like trying to serve mashed cauliflower at Thanksgiving Dinner; like I mentioned before... don't mess with a traditional meal to try something new. ( Instead try it on a Tuesday where you can just as easily order pizza if your family plans mutiny over your vegetarian "looks like meatloaf but it's NOT' dinner.) The same with Holiday cookies. I don't care if the cookie looks phenomenal in your copy of Bon Apetit... if that wasn't you in their test kitchen... get out! Personally, baking 236 dozen cookies (okay, I''m being dramatic) let's see...baking 8 dozen cookies while taming 3 boys is a daunting enough; I am hopeful that my investment in the exchange process will reap a bounty of delicious cookies that will keep my boys, husband and guests delighted for weeks to come.
What I do not suggest, for the love of those around you...is to try and give us:
- Anything you haven't already tried yourself
- Anything you haven't already MADE yourself
- Anything the dog will not even nibble on if you were to drop one on the floor
- Anything that "looks awful but trust me, tastes really, really good"
- Anything that contains the word "carob, nougat or flaxseed." That, my friends, is for January 1st.
While I am being totally offensive and polarizing, let me just add that I would hope while you avoid all of these things that you don't upstage the rest of us poor souls either. Martha Stewart need not mistaken your cookie for hers. I don't need to come home and show my husband your delectable dough "artistry" which will only make him long for full-fat versions of home cooking, a wife with larger breasts and other impossible situations. Enough Said.
RULE#6... My last...
Rules of Engagement for finding your Christmas Tree
Ahhh, the smell of fresh fir... nothing smells of Christmas more than the aromatic essence of a freshly cut Christmas tree. Errrrrrhhhh.... stop the Vinyl..... lets get real.
Fact: I am a proud supporter of live Christmas Trees. I am sure somewhere out in internet land, someone just read this and is going to send me something from a ".org" about preserving the earth. But where I come from, I could cut about 36 Christmas trees in the back of my yard so I'm not particularly concerned. Besides, those re-planting initiatives operate like a machine up here in Washington.
So, if you paid $299-2999 for a fake tree some time ago, that's cool...I'm not even talking to you right now. It is for all of us who still insist on getting a live tree. Doesn't it sound so romantic??? So fun??? So many pictures for the scrapbook? It will be the memories your children remember so fondly as they start their own families and begin joining you and your spouse for years to come.
Let me break down the Turnley family experience... not always, but most years since we've had kiddos:
1. Drive 30-80 minutes to find the perfect tree farm... needs to be Quaint, with a big gift shop, Hot Cocoa and maybe even a train ride to be legit.
2. Spend 45-90 minutes traipsing around 20+ acres of farm looking for just the perfect tree for your home. In that time frame, you will have lost your child 3-5 times, lost your spouse 2-4 times, be that family that is calling out for each other, ruining the quiet merriment of other delusional families. Be reunited as a family only to lose track of where your perfect tree was. When you finally find it, you see some "perfect" family sawing it down. When you have found the "B plan" tree, which you secretly pity because it isn't as great as the "perfect" tree that was "stolen" by the other thieving family you then begin to saw down your tree. Oh yeah, that is where the memories kick into full gear. Ten minutes later you are barely speaking to your spouse, you have pitch in your hair, needles down your undergarments AND you've lost your kids....again...
3. You then drag your tree 562 yards to the baler... in silence. You are covered in dirt and mud.... you are frozen. Your kid have lost their minds, they are hungry and need to pee.
4. You fork over $3 for a cookie, $3 for a luke warm styrofoam cup of watered down hot cocoa and then comes the fun part... paying for the tree.
5. $100 later you are now working, in silence mind you, with your spouse to attach the tree to the top of the car. Fifteen minutes later, the tree is sideways on top of the roof, bobbling in the air drafts while your child is looking like a war refugee from the melted candy cane and hot cocoa all over their face. You realize 10 miles down the road that you've lost both your own and your children's mittens but don't turn back because you just want to get home and get away from everybody for a few minutes. To top it off, the reality is you'll be sawing that tree trunk again because you picked out a 11-foot tree for your 8-foot ceilings. The open sky is a bugger for size proportion!
Memories!!!!!
My solution? Go to the tree farm with a boatload of snacks. Withhold ALL caloric intake from your children until you have purchased your ornament, posed for pictures or sat on Santa's lap. Buy your $3 bake sale brownie and load everyone back in the car. So far, you've probably spent under $12 and everyone can still feel their toes. Drive to your local Home Depot or major grocery retailer; while you are on the road, listen to jolly Christmas music and sing in the car... because everyone is still happy.
Everyone pile out to the tree lot at your local retailer and walk the 3 aisles of trees. Oh sure, you'll hold a few up and lose your kids but a store associate will just call their name on the intercom system. Need to pee? No problem, warm restrooms are located at the back of the store! Go ahead and argue over a few trees... if you want to prolong the process but in past years, we can get in and out (without getting our tree stolen) in about 15 minutes top. Swing through McDonalds or heck, treat your family to Panera... chances are you only plucked down $50 for that Home Depot tree!
Everyone's happy... no melt-downs... you can feel all your body parts.... and you can still take great Christmas photos... if you crop out the big orange letters in the background.
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Well, that is a wrap folks... I hope you find these entries nothing more than amusing. While I KNOW I have typed some things that go through my readers heads... please don't mistaken my rants for a Bah- Humbug attitude. I LOVE this time of year... despite the nasty people who have forgotten the manners in the parking lots around town, and the Atheists who are busying suing everyone to get everything from green trees to Charlie Brown taken out of the holiday mix... I believe its the most "wonderful time of the year." Without Jesus... we'd just be sitting around wondering why there are oranges in our socks on December 25th.
When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. -Matthew 2:10
God Bless!
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