What you do matters!

I spend most of my time encouraging other moms to stop and rest.

Well, now, like so many other things in life, I'm telling you to do the exact opposite.

What?

Shut the front door.

(No... I am not drinking...well, other than my 3rd cup of coffee.  Stop judging, get back to reading...like YOU didn't hit the Starbucks drive through this morning, Ms skinny Venti Gingerbread Latte woman?)

Sorry.

Little fired up over here.

It struck me that after my last post, Litmus tests for moms, that we do a lot.... I mean... a TON.  Not just as moms but as wives, friends, neighbors and daughters.  If you are dude reading this, please simply insert your own titles here.... because I love my dude readers but lets be honest here...most y'all reading this have a uterus so I'm just keeping my audience targeted, okay?

And I love that I have a husband who really, truly believes and more importantly, TELLS PEOPLE that I keep this ship running around here.  It's also, of course, what makes me the:

• Debbie Downer
• Military Drill Sergeant
• Prudish Penny

I mean, lets face it, bottoms aren't wiped clean, noses run, fingers become silverware utensils, shin guards get moldy and kids get left at school like abandoned kittens if its just all fun and games all day long!!!

Honest though?

If we're going to be real....

Sometimes, I have a hard time seeing how important I really am!!!

I know, I know... we all long for that moment when our son or daughter is accepting a distinguished award and they get up on the podium, shake hands and then nervously lean into the microphone to say, 

"I just want to thank my mom.  For everything.  I would not be here today if it wasn't for her."

But until that time...what are we left with to validate just how hard we work?
It dawned on me this morning...as I was talking to a friend who had 30 minutes to pack her bags and get out the door to the airport.

(Remember the days when you used to start laying your clothes out for an upcoming trip DAYS before?   Snort.)

You need to go away, mom.
Go somewhere... without your kids.... even if it is just 24 hours.
Here's why:

It will force you to deploy operation: "life without mom."  

DISCLAIMER: THIS CANNOT BE DONE WITHOUT ADVANCE NOTICE TO ALL PARTIES.... I REPEAT... ADVANCE NOTICE TO ALL PARTIES REQUIRED!

Why?  Because this is what needs to happen in order for you to hang up your mom hat for a period of time:

1.  Food and meals will need to be prepared in advance.  Low hanging fruit, low hanging fruit people!  Easy to peel, easy to heat, easy to serve meals that do not entirely consist of cold cereal...which is what would happen if you did not shop specifically for the time you were going to be gone.  

2.  Absolutely every bit of clothing must be washed, dried, folded and delivered to its appropriate room.  Might I suggest putting it away yourself this time so that little Johnny does not even ATTEMPT to design his own outfit should you miss something like picture day, share day, line leader day, etc....any day where a photo might be taken.

3.  The house must be cleaned.  Listen people... your home will be operating on a power play....it will not even be close to man-to-man coverage.  It's about minimizing risks... you can't afford for little feet to step on legos, less you have prepared emergency first aid kits readily available in every room.  You will not be there to search for Barbie's chiropractic-adjustments-required-high-heel-shoes that are currently located under the ottoman.  You know this because you know...and you are there... and when you leave... you won't be able to hear..."moooooommmmmmmmmmmm" from every room in the house.  Clean now...thank me later.

4.  Carpools.  Oh... I cannot stress this enough...get on it early... make an excel spreadsheet and stock up on homemade jam, Starbucks cards, and candles.... while the suck-up gifts are not necessarily needed right now, you better believe they are the second time you ask!!!  Should you ask to reciprocate in the future?  Absolutely?  Do I ever get taken up on it?  No...because everyone else seems to have their cr*p together!!!!  (Gotta keep it clean for the Pastors who read this!)

5.  Carpools..again....because this is 2 number worthy.  Once you have carpools you need to confirm, re-confirm, make sure everyone has the cell phone number and PAD THE TIME TO HAVE YOUR KID READY BY 15 MINUTES!  Trust you me, that mini-van driving mama with 3 hollering kids on her way to the Birthday party is in NO MOOD to have YOUR kid the one who's running late.  You want your kids taken for a ride in the future... you need to plan and visualize for your child curb-side and ready to load like a passenger waiting for a taxi at  Chicago O'Hare... MOVE IT KIDDO!

6.  Lastly, you'll need a Word Doc or email outlining the exact schedule of the time you will be gone.  No...not what you  are doing...but what everyone else needs to be doing.  Exact location of back-packs, water-bottles, wrapped birthday presents, field locations for game days, etc. After all, you won't be there to do all of what you do.  I will NEVER throw my husband under the bus, but even if I were to leave my hubby in charge of the whole house for a couple of days, I would need to put some of our dirty little secrets in writing:

• My oldest son will try and sneak through the day without brushing his teeth...you have to smell his mouth before sending out the door or tucking in at night.
• One son likes the cran-apple juice in his lunch, the other is straight apple-juice.  Do NOT confuse the two.
• You must hold my youngest son's penis when peeing in the potty... he doesn't want to.  Yes... I am being absolutely serious here.
• One son needs door open, one son needs door closed and one needs door closed but sound-maker on to a specific noise in order to fall asleep.  Get it wrong and you'll have 3 "second-wind night owls who resemble a Red-Bull addict.

Just sayin...

So moms... don't be defeated by this list... get your hero cape on and make it happen.. you know how to sling a child on one hip, correct homework and listen to a squeaky, want-to-poke-your-eyes-out rendition of Amazing Grace on the recorder all at the same time.... now just write all of that down for the person who is going to take your place for a day or two....or three.... or... 

oh, now I'm just daydreaming....

Happy Trails!

Oh hey wait...before I hit 10,000 feet this morning ...tell me about how YOU get out of town?  Tips?  Do you avoid it because it is just too much work or do you have it down to a science?

The litmus test every mom should use to grade herself

I don't really consider myself much of a baseball nut, to say the least (although I am reminded that is the name of a really good flavor of Ice Cream and Baskin Robbins.)

Back to baseball... I have 55 minutes before certain 65 pound and 46 pound bundles of energy come off the bus which means I will be on "red flag alert" listening to 27 stories about school (mostly recess,) feeding snacks, questioning why they didn't eat half their packed lunch and monitoring homework progress.  (What is up with parents having to correct homework these days, by the way?)  I'll need to video tape my son's recorder songs and upload to email; correct Everyday math (are you kidding me, this is NOT the way I learned math,) oversee 5 minutes of typing on MY COMPUTER which means all my USB ports will be left unplugged and all open internet windows closed, give a oral spelling test and check reading comprehension answers for correct grammar, capitalization and punctuation.  Oh, and that was one kid.  (And if feels like just yesterday I was looking soooooo forward to the start of school: "First day of school: do I laugh or cry?")

Dude... I do not have a degree for this.... I pay TAXES and a write a hefty check so my children can go to good schools... but now I'm on the hook for 45 minutes worth of homeschooling?

That actually brings me back, AGAIN, to Baseball.  You see, baseball is all about statistics.  Really.  My husband and oldest child could rattle some of the most obscure statistics about baseball players and their performance.  One of a player's stats that carries a hefty weight is their batting average.  So, if I were to write baseball for dummies, I would explain that "a batting average is calculated by dividing the number of times a player has gotten a base hit by the number of times the player has been at bat."  An average batting average is about .269 for a team collectively... a good average is above .300 and the all-time record is held by Ted Williams who batted an amazing .406 back in 1946!

(Impressive what a chick can learn thanks to the internet... I practically sound like an ESPN anchor!)
Ahhh... still giggling....

Anyhoo... think about that statistic in terms of percentages... so a pretty good player, one who is sought out... paid millions and millions of dollars to play for a team... put on merchandise for God's sake... gets on base 30% of the time.

In school, uhhhh, that's failing.  Blowing it.  Big time.  I mean, Kumon won't even take you at that point!

But as moms, we really hold ourselves to a different standard, don't we?

Back to the afternoon schedule... take a look at all that is required of a typical grade-school parent the minute she collects her children from school?  And that is just what the state requires of us... never mind we elect to add  an absorbent amount of extracurricular activities to our child's plate.  Sports, music-lessons, church education programs, scouts, etc. just add to the plate because you aren't just getting them to and fro, you're ensuring they follow up on all that is demanded from those activities on the dates you AREN'T there.

I know I've said this in almost every post, but I really do write for my own therapy.  Okay, fine... secretly (well, now it's not) I also write because I hope I strike a chord with some other mom or moms out there... dude...we're friggin nuts!!!!

Because this morning I was almost in tears.  I dropped my 3 year old off at pre-school and was flying back out to the car to head to a PRECIOUS allocation of time to get my hair cut and well... um... enhanced in the umm... tone area.... um yes...I mean...color... well fine...

I GET IT HIGHLIGHTED.... SO THERE!

The preschool teacher asked if I was staying.  ("Why would I do that?" was my first thought.... ) but I asked if she needed help.  No, she replied...but it was "stay and visit" day so you could make a craft with your children!!!!!!  Oh joy.  No, I didn't know that.  No, I didn't get that email or read though every stinking bit of news for my 3 year old's newsletter this month.  OMG, this is why I write a check people... it is my BREAK!!!!

Loser mom... I thought... one more thing I didn't plan for... didn't remember...and I could just envision my child during circle time, sitting on the teacher's lap because my son "had no mama."

Tears were welling up.... and I am NOT a public crier!

You see... this just went on the top of the "already loser mom" feelings....

I nearly forgot it was picture day this morning and my husband had to rescue me (Thank you Jesus for getting him back from Houston a day early) by doing the boys hair while I scrambled to fill out the forms 5 minutes before the bus came.

The day before I listened to my son tell me how he's missing all the contests because WE don't know where his Orthodontist's debit card is and by not bringing it to his emergency appointment to replace HIS BROKEN WIRE... he was losing out on earning points.

Let's see... I could go on for days people.  School library books not in the backpack on the right days, bus passes left by the printer on the day my child is supposed to ride home with another kid.  Lunches packed in the wrong lunchbox (leaving each of my children to open up their lunches and find all of the "wrong" things... a perfect example as to how different they are!)  Yeah, that one was fun because they just didn't eat their lunches... nothing like a starving, low-blood sugar crank at the end of a school day!

We've missed team snack...forgotten water bottles on hot days, bibles to church-camp and have DEFINITELY failed to remember that it is someone's turn to pick out the ice cream flavor at the supermarket.   Allowance was paid late, a jersey wasn't washed in time for the game and I seem to be the only mom who won't plunge $60+ on a Halloween costume.

It's a wonder my children haven't filed for emancipation by now.

But you know what... I'm still batting about .900+ according to my reflection... I mean... lets consider all that I DO get right.  They are wearing underwear, they've showered, they are fed, they are loved.  Hey... that's an A- right there...take THAT, Everyday Math!

 My kids will not give you that same statistic of course...but that is just a short-term recollection of my performance.  In five years, they will forget about the missed bus pass or the time I served them homemade pizza with dough that had CLEARLY gone past its date (whoops) but I gotta stop listening to them... or myself for that matter.  Jesus is the one collecting data for the stats.

And he says I'm batting 100%.  He knows I am doing my best.  He also knows that our Heavenly Father purposed and crafted us specifically for our children.

Hebrews 13:21 (New Living Translation)


May he equip you with all you need for doing his will.
May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ,
every good thing that is pleasing to him.
    All glory to him forever and ever! Amen.

Allright...so this is good stuff... He never asks us to be perfect and yet he tells us from the beginning that he's equipped us with all that we need to do....and its pleasing to Him.

How freeing... how liberating.... somewhere there's a woman shouting
"Can...I...get...an...A-MEN...up....in....here?"

Don't get your stats from your children...they are ruthless little suckers! Don't judge yourself because chances are... Satan's going to show up for that trial and stick you in the chair of the condemned or let you party over in the "guilt" chambers.  Nah... turn your eyes instead to the one who MADE you...he's known you the longest... and he thinks you are FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made.

Okay...okay...okay... I'm sure there is some permission slip you still need to fill out before tomorrow so I'll sign out for now...but celebrate in your incredible MBA... Mom's Batting Average and then brainstorm what you want your bobble head to look like.

Anyone else feelin' me on this one?  Let me know!

Does God come in disguise?

As the Halloween season approaches, I find myself dreading the few weeks left before the big night out.  Not for any religious reasons.  I really don’t mind if you deck your house out in all of that ghost/witch spider stuff, although I will say that for some yards...driving past is like forcing my children to watch Superbowl commercials.  Really?  Headless corpses with blood dripping down?  On October 2nd?  You don’t mind if I call you at one in the morning as I’m soothing my son back to sleep after he’s had a nightmare about the exact same dark figure you insist on hanging from your tree for an entire month...do you?

Hmmm... guess I needed to get THAT off my chest.  Thank you for being my clinical psychologist, I’m sure I have deeper roosted issues on this holiday.  Actually, I really shouldn’t open the can of worms on this holiday for many reasons... man.... people do some crazy things and have to apologize for some really crazy stuff come November 1st.  

And so.... ahem... I quickly transition to the POINT of why I dread this holiday. It’s the costume.  The build-up, the ideas, the changing of ideas, the changing AGAIN of ideas and then the scramble to fulfill the 17th idea for a costume.  No.  Not for me... my kids!  Now, let’s clear the air that this only happens to my two oldest.  My youngest will be 3 and has had absolutely no say in what costume he dons for the evening.  All he knows is that from birth on, once a year, there is a complete increase in the number of pictures taken and after every flash, his mom makes an “awwww” sound or just giggles.  Then, on the night of his wedding rehearsal dinner... all of these pictures will surface and his closest friends will get a look at how his mom manipulated him for her own pleasure. So far, a pea-pod, puppy dog and cow costume have all given me the sheer pleasure of creating a photographic opportunity.  One day, I will probably be paying for HIS therapy.

No...it’s my oldest that change their minds 72 times in 6 weeks.  I refuse to spend $75.00 on a costume that will be used for one night and so I always end up being the party crasher when I have to put the ki-bosh on the elaborate costume ideas.  Because truly, when else in your life are you going to put on a Jawa costume and wear it around?  So far...zero.  The football costumes are the only ones I have gotten repeated uses out of but I have to add, they have also cost me in the form of ice packs, Tylenol and trips to the Urgent Care.

Disguises are a funny thing however, aren’t they?  What’s the attraction?  Sometimes I wonder if the “masked appearance” gives us the illusion that we can behave differently?  Certainly I bet the UW Husky mascot has a different “persona” in costume than on the street?  (I’m convinced the Oregon Duck is probably just as rude outside of costume.)  It’s almost like a costume gives us a different access point... maybe some take you more seriously or are intrigued to listen to what you have to say.  For instance... if I were to don angel wings for the evening and pass out candy, maybe some little trick or treater would hang onto my words more than if I just answered in my “mom” attire?  A juggling clown holds the attention of a circus attendee much more than the same guy if you saw him juggling in plain clothes at a bus stop.

I wonder if that is the reason that Jesus withheld his identity to the two believers on the way to Emmaus?  (Luke 24:13-35)

At this point I fully recognize that some of you are scratching your heads or even pushing the chair back like, “Whoa...I gotta be honest with you, I didn’t see that coming.”  Waaa-bahm.”  There you have it.  Because really, without tying my “think out loud” ponderings to our Creator, am I not wasting everyone’s time?  Go grab a self-help book if that’s the case...there are PLENTY to choose from.  No... if are you are still reading... you seek truth!

(Good for you.)

Okay, so back to Jesus.  If you read the story... go ahead... I’ll wait....

Welcome back.  Now you know that Jesus joined up with two men walking from Jerusalem and asked what they were discussing.  It says in the bible that Jesus kept himself “hidden” from them which I believe means that he gave himself a disguise.  (Also because I think it would be weird to think that the two men started talking to an invisible, but audible man.)  They fill him in on the details of Jesus’s death and disappearance from the tomb, all the while astonished at the weekend’s events.  I find this story amusing when I think about what Jesus was probably thinking while he was listening to these two “believers” talking about the town gossip.  “Really?”  “Get out of town!”  “Shut the front door!” might have been my comments if I were Jesus...all of these said with a very sarcastic tone...(uh yes, which I know would not be representative of Jesus’s nature...sarcasm... yet if you are judging me for that then let me ask YOU to cast the first stone.... uh huh.)  

I just think it’s funny that he didn’t tell them who he was at that time.  He didn’t interrupt them with something like, “Uh duh... I know... check out the nail holes, dude.... I was THERE.”

Instead, he went on and on and on... a couple of mile’s worth of relaying the ancient scriptures to them within the old testament; how prophets had proclaimed everything that had just happened over the last few days.  He called them out on their faith...although they were professed believers that Jesus was the messiah, they acted like everything that had happened was out of this world- yet Jesus reminded them, while in disguise, that indeed part of their faith was to remember that all these things were to pass IN ORDER to fulfill the realization that Jesus was the messiah.  Would they have not listened to him if he had simply shown up in his linen cloths alongside them on the road?

My guess is probably not.  They would have fallen to their knees, or peed their pants or fainted...something embarrassing enough so much so that they wouldn’t have listened to what they needed to hear.  And don’t we do that?  Don’t we dismiss people and what they have to say, simply because of what they are wearing?  The job they have?  Whether they know us or not?

Heavy stuff for a Monday...and to that, I apologize...but I guess this is the takeaway:

God will use people to get his point across to you.  Sometimes it’s pretty obvious as to who they are but sometimes they are disguised.  What do I mean?

Sometimes it’s the Bible or a Pastor that will give you a nugget of knowledge specific to your life and your situation.  Sometimes it’s a close friend that you know has authority to speak into your life.

But sometimes... it might be the mail clerk.  A passerby.  A chance encounter with a stranger.  You see, Jesus can hide himself in anyone to show you his love.  Speak the words you needed to hear.  Fill in that questioning blank you’ve had in your heart.

You just never know who’s going to pull up alongside you in the road of life.  Be expectant.  Be ready.  Be listening.  Be blessed.