Why? I don't wanna!

As I sit down to write this, its about 2 hours past the time I had hoped to be typing away.  After NINE DAYS WITHOUT SCHOOL, I was ready to, lovingly, mind you, kick my children out the door and onto the bus.  I had things to say...things to write....therapy to give myself...or bring a chuckle to some reader's day.  After a power outage, a wind storm, a snow storm and a freezing rain storm...I was ready to pen some thoughts.

And then...

Oh, the "and then."  My husband and I have a funny way of starting off a story that always results in the same "why I didn't get that done" excuse: "So you see what happened was..."  Today, it was a sick toddler w/ a bad case of um...should we say...the runs..and I don't mean the kind you do with your legs.  And then it was the thermostat that needed fixing.  And then it was an email to plan my Kindergartner's Valentine's Day party.  And then....

And then....

You see, if you have been following my posts (poor souls) then you know God has planted a seed in my heart to write.  And while I have a rough table of contents, ideas floating around in my head and no shortage of rants, I still have not sat down and given it a fair shake.  Why?  It's too scary.  It's too big.  It's too "I have no idea what I am doing!"  The list of excuses goes on.  I could pay a therapist (but why bother when I can type instead!) and tell him or her that this goes back to my fear of failure; I simply don't try things I am not good at or fear that I will not become good at.  Have you ever seen me on a golf course?  Nope.  I really have no intention of letting you see me swing and miss at a ball.  Or throw your back out ducking to avoid getting clocked in the head by my ball should I make contact with the little sucker.  Won't register for a triathalon because I have a feeling I'm going to freak-out Freida in the middle of open waters and quite frankly, I'd rather give birth in front of a group of Marines before I'd allow myself to be rescued in the middle of a lake during a race.  And so, for me...I just avoid it.

Okay...so what about those things we know we are supposed to do but won't or don't?  I am not talking about the list that starts with, "You  know I really should...."  Forget that.  I am talking about the things God has planted in our heart.  God has hard-wired them in.  He's already given you the gifts and talents to do them.  You know what they are.... don't play coy, aloof or fake humbleness (the WORST!)  Stop...cast fear aside, quiet all the other voices inside your head and answer this,

"If you were guaranteed not to fail, and time, money and all other resources were at your beckon call...what would you want to achieve/accomplish in your lifetime?"

That's the one.  Or two.  Or even more.  One of mine is to be a weathergirl.  Yep...cat's out of the bag.  I have always wanted to be a weatherperson.  I was really hoping Steve Pool would have gone national so I could have his job.  At this point, I figure I'm past my weathergirl prime so I must sigh a breath of "if only" and move on to the other answers of what I would do with my life if there was a guarantee that I would not fail. 

You see, THAT is what God is driving after.  He created EACH of us for a purpose...and fashioned us just so, even from the days we were in our mother's wombs... to personally fulfill that purpose.  The more I have thought about answering the "if you were guaranteed not to fail what would you go after" question, the more and more I get the same punch in my gut of what it is I am supposed to do.  For me, the answer is write.  OK, so now that I have come full circle and your kids are pulling on your pant leg, the wine tastes like grape juicy or your nosy cubicle neighbor won't keep to themselves, let me quickly drive it home.

I spent two hours this afternoon telling God, "I don't wanna."  I made up other things to do... prioritzed Valentine parties and thermostat programs over writing.  It reminds me of my 2 year old son.  We are trying to teach him "please" and "thank you."  Rarely does it come out without a prompting from mom or dad EXCEPT when he's trying to communicate that he doesn't want to do something.  Like this:

(Mom:) "Evan, finish your applesauce so we can go upstairs and take a nap."
(Evan:) "No Thank you, mommy" (can I add the cutest voice ever???)

It's so stinkin' adorable you almost want to let him have his way!  Funny how if it was my older son who was saying it..or if it was my toddler who instead jumped up and down and whined, "I don't wanna!," it would be totally unacceptable...right?  Or, think about this...what if you asked your child to do something and they said yes...but let me first do these 17 things.  I don't know about you, but it makes my blood boil; when I need the table set, I need the table set...not after you conquered Coconut Mall on Mario Cart. 

So, let me ask you this... how will we ever get to our biggest heart-burning accomplishment if we continue to distract ourselves?  It's got to be our calling and nothing else.  (Yes, dishes must get washed and I'm pretty sure your spouse wants clean underwear!)  But, necessities aside, you know why I think we do it?

We don't understand it.  Or, we don't understand how in the world we would ever accomplish what burns inside of us.  World hunger?  I can't even keep my kids full.  Running a marathon?  I don't even run to the shower.  The problem is that the culture we live in demands that we understand everything.  I mean, everything.  If I can't get 429 articles about rice cakes on the web, I feel...well, a bit undereducated on the topic.  We live in a "why" society.  The problem is that the world has conditioned us to demand the "why" before we obey God's calling and commit to do anything.  What do you think a four year old's most repeated question is...

"Why?"

But, as some of you may have guessed, or know, God's perspective is quite upside down from the world we live in.  Flip open the bible and you will find, "Come to me with child-like faith," "He is who last in the world is first in the Kingdom," "The humbled and lowly in spirit will be honored in Heaven."  I could go on, but clearly you're supposed to be doing something else by now so its God's grace that you are still reading.   (I think I said that earlier, didn't I?) 

If you really want to go after your calling...dust the rust off and get going..put this in your pipe and smoke it, "Obey your way into understanding instead of understanding your way into obedience." (Thank you Pastor Jonathan Gulley.)

We, as parents tell our childen that they don't need to ask why, they just need to do what they are asked.  It's for their good, right? ... so let's start eating off the same table of wisdom, shall we?  If you need a "sneak peek" of understanding why you should heed the call on your life without fully understanding it, which as you know is COMPLETELY the opposite of my point...then look up Esther, or David or Ruth in the bible for kicks.

It's your calling or nothing...but the nothing adds up to just fleeting or temporary satisfaction, so don't get distracted.  Put a sweater on, the thermostat can wait and trust me...once you start turning the wheels of possibilities, you'll be so fired up you won't need the heat on!

And the walls came tumblin' down

The pile of unfinished blog posts is growing steadily... so many things to write about... so many ideas floating... and yet, fear continues to grip me enough that they have not been organized into a book, nor a devotional... two of which are on my goal list of 2012... which then leads me to another random thought that I never finished my blog post on goal-setting!  (Or why fear is the one thing I am wanting to leave behind in 2011!) 

I suppose its time I just start churning out some thoughts and see where they take me.  After all, isn't it my quote that has been thrown all over my previous blog entries, (say with a sarcastic voice,) "After all, God can't steer a parked car!"

I had a fantastic morning and it went nothing like I planned.  I dawdled too long at home trying to short-order cook four different breakfast requests.  I got to the gym late hoping to get just a short workout in.  Short because the beginning of a New Year is my least-favorite time to work out in a gym.  Not so much the other members...although their sweaty bodies all over weight equipment is a bit much (we tenured members are already versed in wiping down the equipment after use and quite frankly, most of the people at 9:30 are in a class or aren't benching enough to sweat.) 

I detest the gym in January because of the kids' club; dozens of snot-filled, runny-nose, crying toddlers who have no idea why, oh why, after Santa Claus has left and the sugar cookies have gone away, must they be locked into this room with other screaming children.  Because mom or dad needs to work off her holiday weight and make some new resolution!  (Now, to you who have joined the gym recently... don't stop; get healthy....get fit... keep at it.... your kids will get used to the new routine and eventually the non-stop crying will sound like white noise.)  In the meantime, I feel like I'm dropping my kids off in a first-world orphanage, the ratios are COMPLETELY over the limit and its just plain germ-infested chaos in there.  Needless to say, my workouts are short until mid-February when the gym returns to its normal state of occupancy. 

(Hey, I was upfront when I told you this was free therapy for me...so I'm getting to my point...right now, I'm venting!  But if you are laughing...then I'm happy too!)  Keep going!

At the gym, I had a great talk with a friend, followed by a trip to Trader Joe's with my toddler.  I already posted this on Facebook...but you know the end-cap displays in a store?  Why do they stack those with things that will not withstand a cart TAPPING into them?  I would fully expect damage if a display was rammed by a crazy 8 year old boy who was in charge of the grocery cart, (DISCLAIMER: the characters in this story are purely fictional, but may have been inspired by real life events) but this was my cart driving and just a little tap into the display to avoid another cart.  Well....

128 packages of Seaweed snacks later.... oh yeah, we knocked half of the display down.  It was like they fell in slow-motion... a deck of cards falling at the speed of feathers...down...down...down they all went.  Did I mention it was a madhouse in there because there is an eensy chance of snow in the forecast on MONDAY?  Which as you know in Seattle means a shutdown with possible starvation.  :)  Well... all of this to say, it was still a great day.  My toddler and I had fun picking up the seaweed with him singing "Clean up, Clean up..everybody everywhere" (rather loudly) and lots of patrons smiling on from their place in line.  Laughable.  Could have been cryable...but it was laughable.

Why?  Call it perspective.  Call it "embracing what you cannot control" or call it having some Jesus in your life....but you can either fight the current of life...or learn how to jump in and just float down it.  You see:

• I woke up and was given life today.  Some people didn't.
• I have a healthy and vibrant family with all of their faculties.  Some people don't.
• Without 7 weeks of planning...it worked out that one of my best friends ended up at the gym at the same time and we had a great time in fellowship...laughing and sweating simulatenously (well, I AM a multi-tasker!)  She used 3 syllable words... a highlight I don't always get in my days filled with three small children.  Some people go all day without a visit from a friend.
• Realizing my toddler is giving up naps, I seized the opportunity to get another errand done.  Now, I knocked over a KING-SIZED display... probably comforting dozens of shoppers who have felt ackward if they have knocked something over (because trust me, this one trumped them all) AND got to teach my toddler about physics.  (And while most people wouldn't want this experience... I think how lucky I am to have Jesus in my heart which was about the ONLY thing that made me giggle instead of cry in this situation.)

I hope my verbal vomit of my day's events enlightened you.  I am the first one to tell people that some blogs just don't interest me... blah...blah...blah....and here I am...crossing THAT LINE in the sand too...and using my entry to talk about my day's events as if they are so important. 

I hope you get the meaning of this entry... its not about my day at the gym or the toddler who won't nap...its bigger.  It's learning that God plants divine opportunities in our life ahead of time...for us, they are either treasures or road-side bombs, depending on how we look at them.  I've sure had dozens of days in which I have viewed my distractions, interruptions or detours as "bombs," letting them blow up my day, destroy my mood and infect those around me. 

But today... I take comfort in knowing that these were all discovered treasures.  I hope that you are able to take a step back and see your own "walls of seaweed."  When they come tumblin down, you can chew the manager's head off about why they would put a delicate food item on an end cap OR you can laugh and teach dozens around you about perspective.